"I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance"
This is a line from the lyrics of a great song by Garth Brooks....granted this song is about the end of a relationship (yes it holds a place in my heart for that as well) but really when I think about what I am in the middle of doing it could end badly or it could become something wonderful but it is important for me to remember that it is better left to chance. To quote another great Garth Brooks song "Standing outside the fire"....seems to have its place in this blog as well.
"We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all
They're so hell-bent on giving ,walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire"
There is always a price to be paid for every decision. What the price for me is shaping up, what the price to others has shaped up some. But most importantly am I ok with this price. In this blog I am going to discuss what and why this past week has happened. And so much has happened in just the first week.
It is rather funny I have had a little feedback from a few and I have been told by some of what some of the conversations back home have been in regards to me moving to Florida. Assumptions have been thrown around and even a few really odd ideas as to my reasoning. A few friends that I talked to about it first know the reasons but what is funny is that some have speculated have not even bothered to ask me. I find that interesting, if you are my friend ask please do not assume.
I could not be happier with this decision to come down here to Florida. We all know I was planning on doing this anyway so that I could head back out on my trip. Most did not know I was planning on making this permanent though.
When I came back from my trip and my expectations were not meet. Yes I know I should've never had expectations, but I did. Things were all turned upside down. My world was crazy in a big way. Most of you know that have followed the events of the past few months you know some of what has happened. But few know everything. And I am not going to rehash that because well it doesn't matter. Those people who will always play it safe who will always wish they could take a chance are thousands of miles away pretending to be important and pretending to be something they are not.
Instead I choose to come here and become who I have always know I am. There seems to have been these myths about me, some good some bad and most so far from reality it doesn't matter. Those that know me know my heart and I love them for it. They know I believe that everyone is special, that everyone has a purpose and they truly know I care. It was when I choose to try and be something for others that I have always run into an issue.
You see I participated in this Dance. I at times in my life decided to follow the choices that were dictated to me. What I learned on my trip is it is all better to leave it to chance. To not try and determine the end or to even know the end but better to embrace the dance and the mystery that comes with it.
What I found is at those moments in my life when the dictating of the world I would run I would self destruct because well i wasn't following what I wanted but rather what others wanted. This however is one of the first time in my life I have felt like I am in utter control all the while being totally out of control. It is a beautiful dance right now in my life. One that is chaotic and yet mission focused. It seems almost impossible to explain and I know so few can even fathom the beauty I am experiencing right now.
Yes I just packed up and rolled out. I left everything people hold true just to chase a dream. Leaving friends, family, loved ones and safety. This is where the second song comes into play. I learned to trust the Universe, I learned that I love standing inside the fire. Being given a second chance at life has been a blessing.....beyond measure and I am one of those people who are truly willing to let go and do all I can to reach my goals. I have no idea how this all will end but it is all about the journey to find out. It may all be worth it and it may all not.
Let me be clear about this.....I did not run away. No one made me come down here. Not a single situation held any power over my choices. This is what I know in my heart I was meant to do and I am going to go for it.
Since being here I have signed up for classes at FSC for creative writing. I joined several writing groups in the area and will be participating in the group discussion meet and greets. Giving back has always been important, so I took some advice and have decided to donate my free time to help some challenged teens. I took a position that will pay the bills and not rule my life or limit my personal goals. I am now writing for several blogs 5 in total on a rotating schedule. I have become a recognized contributing writer to a online magazine as well as pitching magazines on a regular basis with some solid positive feedback and interest. I have become an advocate for several Heart and stroke organizations here. I have met some real cool people and have found an area that I enjoy. Meeting a ton of people a few new friends and enjoying living near the beach has been a blessing. My workouts have become year round outdoor joys, running on the beach, cycling along the coast and participating with an amazingly wild group of outdoor enthusiasts. Yeah that is what I left PA and home for and I have found it.
My goal has not changed at all It remains and will continue to try and be the first triple survivor to ever make this journey. To be the first, do you understand how utterly amazing that concept is. I am so grateful to the Universe for giving me this chance I would be a true fool to ignore that.
Some of what has been said comes from people who think a two week vacation is living, some of the nay saying comes from people who stand outside the fire dreaming and wishing they could muster the true strength that comes from truly being themselves. I know I was one them for such a long time. Not anymore. Sorry life is too short to worry about appearances, the last line of standing outside the fire is....the feeling that some of these people have problem is they are too worried about what others think of them to go for it......and like in the dance I personally don't want to know how it all will end...
There's this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can't abide
Standing outside the fire
I can't blame them for wanting to do it but not doing it. It is not easy doing this, it is scary and like i have said it may end in disaster. But you know what I am going for it. I not going to try and control the outcome. I am not going to worry about what anyone thinks and I have never been more in and out of control nor have ever been more alive......and granted the price may be high in the long run but I also know that to live is far more important than the urge to be safe.....I am not sure if this made any sense or if it was just rambling....tonight. But draw your own conclusions I don't care, I am more alive and more in control not worrying abou the outcome but yet participating in my life.
