Walking away from everything to chase a dream is a fascinating and scary thing. On Friday of this past week I did just that. I left everything behind, friends, a home, client's, family and a life that I just outgrew. I have often wondered what would happen if I just dropped it all to chase after something I wanted. Well it looks like I am about to find out about the most selfish decision I have ever made. I say selfish because on the surface it may seem that way but as you read this you will understand that it is far from selfish.....in this blog there will be some goodbyes, some looks back, some looks forward, a little name calling but a really cool explanation of what the dream is and how I plan on taking it on. I will undoubtedly be called a few things over this Im positive there will be some comments thrown around about it.....but that will probably happen from the crowd who will only read this far and not the entire blog.
Have you ever been so anxious that you literally would shake with excitement of what may come. Being in that position is a feeling many will never experience or if you do experience it you may just be overwhelmed by it. I recently decided to make another huge life move. One that took a ton of well nothing more than pure ambition to change my world.
In the past year I have come to the precipice of my life. It came slowly, it came with a good bit of pain and a good bit of pleasure but I reached it. I decided this past weekend to make a move and leap from that precipice to see what happens. I know that sounds stupid and I know it may sound a little crazy but really I have put in the effort I have seen the results of what possibly could come. Knowing that the ending may be messy but also knowing I may be able to fly. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith.
Over the past year I have been through enough pain caused by both myself and by others. It has been a difficult but yet rewarding year. I have dealt with Stalkers, I have dealt with break ups, I have dealt with accusations and I have dealt with people stealing my money. It has been a pleasant year even with those things being a part of it. It was actually an amazing year and this is nothing more than the true end to the past and a epic reach for a future.
I posted a little blog the other day letting loose a few pieces of my mind and a little insight and then i thought about it. They were a little harsh and well a little more than some deserved and little less than others. As I stated in the opener of this one it is the reach for a future and not the past that matters here. It is often said that Every New Beginning come from some other beginning's end. And well to put that in perspective let me start with all those damn pesky relationships that shaped a part of this past year.
Now I don't know if any trouble will come from this but honestly I don't care, please if you are reading this take this for exactly how it reads and nothing more. I held onto a few relationships past their expiration date. I allowed it to cause me pain out of my anger and refusal to look at my part. I mean truly look at my part. However part of walking away is knowing deep in my core what happened. While I will be talking about these for the last time at least until the book comes out. Please know that these are not the key relationships that made me reach my precipice just ones that bred the bad side, there are actually many more great ones that led to the precipice of my life and those will be discussed once i write these last few remarks.
Not at any time was it all me. I know this, I know that circumstances and people dictated most of what occurred, but yes part of it was me and the end was truly me. Whether you realize it or not I have no idea but hopefully if you read all the way through. I honestly missed my friend. I grew close to you, we clicked, we had become friends and more. It wasn't that the things I didn't have mattered to you, I get that, what mattered though is what others thought. Look we did click you could really be you around me, from margarita trivial pursuit, the movie, to the remote at baltimore arena, to looking at schools or even that time we had to stop in my truck in your neighborhood, it was fun and it was beyond nice. Those were good fun times and I know what was said that night behind Sean Bolans was actually meant and I know my mistakes. I heard you have someone in your life. I am happy for you, If you care for someone it is truly caring when you want the best for them even if it is not you. I cared and I will be here should you ever decide you need another friend and it will be private, I learned that lesson, but I doubt that you can get past some things, though I hope you do one day my friend, look sorry about the curtains btw, I get that one. One last thing I did love you and, that is not bad thing that is cherishing a moment and nothing more and honestly the world could use more people actually caring about others. Oh and one more last thing, what in the hell, seriously that guy that reached out to you about me, that is one of the stalker freaks, seriously whacked out to the point where my daughter was involved. Take care and yeah come on relax, breath and thank you I do appreciate the time we shared but I also appreciate what you did recently, see I knew you were a good person, thank you for making it right. Take care, goodbye and maybe we can talk again when we are cats (it is a movie line google it). Goodbye and I have always just missed my friend. thank you and follow along if you would like it will be interesting.
Speaking of Stalkers and this part will not take up much time as they didn't matter to me when I was growing up and even though they tried their best to keep me down. Sorry I am stronger than that. If you actually knew me you would know that. I didn't just ride my bicycle 1426 miles, I survived a life that would of killed anyone of you. Some did their best to slander me with half truths, assumptions and lies about things you were never a part of nor were any of your business. I love that some have such thin skin as to think telling a coward to come out from behind a keyboard and say those same words to my face was an actual threat. No, none of you were ever worth hurting, I was just proving a point on the internet you act tough but the reality you are just scared little cowards, I would never hit any of you for running your mouth, because you would run to the police so fast ("oh he hit me for talking shit"). The things that were spread about me while partially true were a far cry from reality and to use fake accounts to do it just went to show, you knew it was wrong. Otherwise you would of not hid in the shadows. See that is the thing about the little people from Bel Air (not all are like this btw) you think you are all that matters. I worked hard to heal, my friends helped me and I will be eternally grateful to them. One thing is I have friends that did that, people that cared and well that has touched me greater then you can imagine, because the click you belong to is nothing but full of hate and disdain for others, given the chance anyone of you would be the target next. With that being said I know you folks will never apologize for the things you said, hell i am sure you never even made it public when the judge vindicated me and shut some of you down. Like I have said many times in the past if you need help, I would be more then happy to help you. That is more then you would ever do and that is the true difference in the character of a person.
As for the another relationship from this past year. I understand, I finally get it. I know that it was too much, I know that it was easier to just cut ties then to talk and discuss what was actually happening. I know that your past love came back and well I was on the road reaching for a dream, hell I know I was nothing more to you then a dream, reality is a tough thing. Being able to know the difference was tough for me as you were such an integral part of my drive. You were with me the entire first trip and I must say watching you that day we spent together before I left, the joy in your face while telling people about me and my trip was a blessing and I carried it to long. It was too much and well I get that this was simpler for you. Like I said earlier a few paragraphs back "Loving someone means wanting the best for them even if it is not you" so there I am happy he is back, I am happy that your happy and well that is enough, I hope one day soon we can talk as a big reason for the change has come from you. I miss you my friend take care and keep loving. Also follow along if you want it should be interesting to see what happens.
Whew letting those things go has felt great. Sometimes kicking and screaming to do it, is all that it takes. It is important to just process it in ones own time. Please know even to my stalkers and the people that wreaked havoc and said some truly nasty things to myself and my daughter If you need help it is here for you. As for the relationships, thank you for sharing yourself and there will always be a love for you in my heart like it or not you were important. I will never post about these things again!!!!
Now for saying goodbye to the Northeast, leaving the world I grew and knew as far behind as possible. When the decision to make this leap was reached it was to see what my future holds. It was nothing more than a continuation of the journey. Life is always a journey that is what living it means. I took to the road to work on me and to show others. Now it is about finishing just that. I am not so broken and I am far from beaten that is why the name has been changed to "A Heart In Motion". I wear my heart on my sleeve, I do, some think of it as a weakness but really it just another strength most do not posses. Continuing to push myself and my heart showing others what is possible is part of what my future holds.
My friends know this about me. Sadly I had some lifelong friends not realize just how far I had actually come. I walked from a good business and decent life to try and be more. Some of those things came to fruition and some are still in the works. But some seem to while not agreeing with the stalkers assumed their own ends and well hey it is ok, I get it....but really guys get to know me and you will realize what true grit is. That is part of what my move involves.
I heard recently from my agent and we have two potential publishing companies interested and willing to review things. I have a few magazines working with me and now I am writing blogs for several websites weekly. A heart in motion is about to launch and prove just what a triple survivor can do....hell what any survivor can do.
I grew up with amazing people, friends like Chance, Tina, Stacey, Tracey, Stephanie, Tammy, Lee, Mark, Rob, Heath, Eric, Cecil, Dan, Paul, Dave and many more. I also have grown my friendships over the years to include my old business partner, Pauline, Bruce, Carlos, Janine, Chris, Wes, Leonard, Judith, Heidi, Rex and so many more. My life has expanded to include so many fine people I can not even list them all here. I mean truly good people, people who I love and people who love me.
I swear these guys live vicariously through me. My life is so different from theirs it was like theirs once but that all changed ages back when I went through hell on earth after my divorce. My life expanded into so many different ways. I don't talk about it much but I took a position as the national director of sales for a major chain of schools. I made more money then god, I ran a bank for awhile, I travelled, I thought I lived but I didn't. I did things because i thought that proved my worth...but it only showed my total lack of love for myself. Not that those things are bad in my case it was . Now time has passed and my life changed again. Leaving the past in the past was what I needed to do. As for those guys living vicariously through me please know I live a normal life through you. You are my normal life and well I am just me.
I also have expanded my life exponentially since going on the first journey. I have added some of the most amazing people into my life. People who willing support, push me, challenge me and are from every walk of life. I have fellow Americans along with Canadians, Europeans, Asians, Australians, Africans and mind you people of all walks of life, sexual identity, religions and well they push me. They are friends, some say internet friends are not real, I say bull hockey because I have met many of them and I know that they care just as much about me as others. I appreciate them and maybe that is why I am so open on social media compared to some. I am actually close to many of the friends on my friends list.....many of them I talk to more than people who call themselves my friend.
I have a daughter who is beyond amazing. A young lady that deserves her father to be at his best and to be happy. I love her with all my heart and even though I was not always the best dad I was the best dad I could be at those times. Now this change brings the possibility of me being happy all the time. This leads me to the recent changes in my life.
The stepping off a ledge if you will. When I came home from my trip and even before my trip, talking with patients and other survivors was a joy that I loved more than anything. When I carried a message of hope and showing people what can be done after death I loved it. When i started writing I found that a latent joy of my childhood was reborn. You see when my mother was still alive we had this manual typewriter. One of those old heavy metal ones with the keys that if you missed a stroke you would get your finger caught between the keys. On days I would stay home from school sick, I would type up stories I made up and then read them to her. She loved them or at least acted like she did. So I found that I have a passion for this as well as my cycling duh.
With a tremendous amount of great things going on. Like a few national and international sponsors. A few brand ambassadorships like Garmin, Polar, Saris, Powertap, Cycleops and hopefully a return of my Schwinn Sponsorship it looks like that avenue has started to come together. My writing is taking off as I have said many times. I now write blogs for several websites, I have been submitting articles to magazines and I have even shot for the moon with contacting National Geographic and them not throwing me away as a joke. You see what I am trying to do has never been done, so when people said it is easy or it is no big deal.....well it is. It is an amazing undertaking.
Imagine sleeping on the ground, getting up and cycling 70 miles, then sleeping on the ground, and repeating day in day out for 90 days. Imagine eating the same things every day for 90 days, imagine doing it alone and doing it after dying. Yeah that is the task of doing this trip solo that is the easy part of the journey maintaining yourself the entire time through untold adversity and adventure. Seeing sights that almost all miss and meeting people who well are simply amazing. That is what this task is....oh and learning more about yourself daily....that is not a vacation, that is not just a ride in the park that is true grit and I will make it and I will write about it.
That is why I left the north. I wasn't happy I felt trapped I wasn't feeling it anymore. If you could be happy wouldn't you. If you could chase things that excited your passion wouldn't you, if you could achieve the joys of your life wouldn't you, If you could reach your goals and help others wouldn't you. Well that is what I am trying to do, become a writer, inspire others that have been affected by something major, help others and travel the world....if that's not worth going after what is? If this is what makes me happy and leads to a better life I can share with my loved ones it is not so selfish is it?
I am chasing after my life and I know I will catch it.....I jumped off that precipice without hesitation and really very little doubt that I would fly. I hope you stick around to see me soar. Goodbye old life and hello new, yes it is scary to walk from everything you know to take a chance but hell that is the ultimate adventure. let's do this.
