With carrying the burden of the PTSD from years of abuse and the past few years of medical issues. I have no idea why I would think being mentally prepared for this trip would be easy. My mind does its own thing from time to time. No matter how much I may prepare from reviewing the map to working out like a mad man 3 to 5 hours a day. It just does what it wants at times and well a lot of the times it is counter productive. So here is some more prep and more prep and hell even more prep.
With a little over a month to go before the journey starts my mind is starting to take comments made seriously. At times it says what the hell are you thinking why the hell do you think you can do this. What sets you apart. It is not outside nay saying it is internal doubt. It comes from those years past and all of those hurdles I have had to deal with. There were times when I sat in that hospital bed or when I had to sleep in my brothers kitchen when I said this is it. I will never be more then this. That is all there is.
That is a tough place to be in. Some people the ones that have never had limiting hurdles to jump find it easy at times to make it past these thoughts. Well for someone like me who at times in his life have doubted every aspect of their life it is tough to over come. But just like the physical hurdles over coming these mental hang ups is tougher. But what I will be talking about next is how I am preparing for dealing with those to quote the Rolling Stones"Moments of Doubt and Shame" that will come. I know there is going to be times when I want to quit. Those moments are always a part of my life just like anyone elses.
Im sure the "Normal" people have doubt.as well. Heck I know a once close friend to garner sympathy even told people he dealt with depression. Now mind you I have known him my entire life and while I have dealt with it and medically treated for it. He never had to deal with it. He took my words litteraly for a change when I told him his success was great and good for him but really if it was going to make an impact over come something. Well wouldn't you know it the next time he tried to beef up his ego he told people about the depression. Hell that is pretty messed up.....but it just goes to show the people that have over come things just how impressive every little action that you take is looked upon really it is so impressive that someone is willing to lie about their issues just to emulate you. So if you have a real issue celebrate every little success.
Well that is how part of being mentally prepared works. To over come those moments of doubt I celebrate the little success the moments where I know It was worth I did something awesome today.
Like I said I know on this trip it is going to hit me big time and often....I think somewhere in the middle of nowhere I may just say oh Fuck it. But each little thing that I accomplish leading up to this trip is a reason to say Oh Hell No push forward.....So that is how I plan to over come things.....when I loose it in Nevada or when I loose it on the edge of the Grand Canyon I can think back to things. Things like my swimming coach telling me I can do it. Like my trainer saying hey you got this. Or when my friends from Ironheart and life have said come man people are counting on you and you have already done more then anyone expected but you can still do more. Think back to when I couldn't walk so well and I had to tell my self one more step....that is how those doubts will be over come.
Each victory becomes an excuse to go further so once I have gone further then I ever have. Each step will be a new victory. I will remember each of them. Each hurdle over come lays the ground work for the next one. Each push is a blessing each breath over the last one is a gift and well worth celebrating....that is where I am at with being mentally prepared and yes I will get off track and yes I will let past events creep back in but what I wont do is give up.
All of us that have over come hurdles should celebrate how amazing they are and just how wonderful our lives are truly. We the broken and not beaten are the people others look to. Why because we do it despite ourselves......make sure they know what you have done help someone else because you have been there show someone and yourself your amazing.
