Everyone deals with loss in thier own way. Some sweep it under the rug and act like it was no big deal. Some ignore it. Some treat it as if it were the end of the world and some process it accept it and move past it. But loss of any kind is painful for someone. Whether it be a family member, a loved one or a significant other. The end of a relationship can be painful. Over the last several months I have been processing the loss of one myself and it has been very very difficult for me to understand. And while I would love to sit back and act like I did nothing wrong it would be a lie....a lie to you a lie to myself and a lie to the other party. I am not going to focus on their role what so ever but part of my journey across the United States as I have said a few times is about forgiveness. Forgiveness towards myself, towards others and towards the circumstances of my life (health, emotional etc). That is the part about Moving on Now.
Sometimes loss is only felt by one while the other feels relief. I don't know in my case if that is true but I know that I feel the loss of this relationship and part of it comes from not fully accepting things. For me because of one or more life circumstances it is tough for me to accept that I am not worth it. I know in my head that I am but somewhere in my heart I feel less then.
Recently I looked in my rearview mirror and saw someone who I once loved dearly not only as a lover but more importantly as a friend. Funny that it was my rearview mirror but in a way not really. You see we had dated for a period of time nothing long by any means but we had become very close during that short period of time it was a time that I hope is not regreted and I hope that it is a time she will one day cherish because we both helped each other through difficult times. Now I will not be putting their business out there so don't count on any dirt I will be keeping this about me and how I am broken but how I am not willing to be beaten.
Like I said I looked in my rear view mirror and I saw my ex lover and ex best friend. You see because of my own thinking and behaviors we are neither anymore and that is where my loss comes from. Because of her life situation she had not taken the time to really find herself. She knew she had a purpose and she knew she wanted more out of life. Not dishonorable traits in the least but actually admirable. On the flip side there was me. Coming from one health tragedy into another and well we clicked. We got along we had common interests a ton of things to talk about and well a physical connection that was pretty sweet. LOL.
This is where the broken part of me comes into play. Because of one or many of my past experiences and life events I have rarely ever felt good enough. Never worthy of anyones time, affection or attention. So when this actually wonderful woman told me she loved me I was shocked. I could not for the life of me understand how she could love me so few had ever stayed with me or how she could want me.
A burgeoning friendship developed fast but because of circumstances the relationship could not be owned outside of us. No she was not married. Again I will not be airing her situation or life here so do not ask, this is about me and my shortfalls only. In my mind her inability to even acknowledge our relationship was a sign that I was not worthy again even though it was not true. So what happened over time I felt less then, not good enough so I changed who I was into who I thought she would be able to own outside of us. This is where my lifetime of insecurities my recent death and my recent cancer treatments wreaked havoc on my psychy. I did all that I could to change myself into who I thought she wanted. I looked at apartments I did not want and at changing careers to earn her respect....and when these things did not produce the desired effect of her owning the relationship. I became frustrated and short with her. It was this anger and feelings of being less then that brought about the end of the relationship and with good reason.
I don't blame her I eat that one solely. She had told me that she did not need me but wanted me even after we were broken up. But again here my thinking was so down on myself I could not accept I wasn't good enough. What was wrong with me.....I tell you these things not to beat up on myself but to explain where the PTSD takes me. The PTSD that comes from a lifetime of other situations and health issues. Part of the reason for my trip. You see no matter how hard I try with this way of thinking I will never be good enough.
So we decided to give each other a break and well I tried but honestly I missed the friendship. A true close friend who I talked to daily and spent several nights a week with was gone and that left a void I couldn't get past. So liek the idiot that I am I did not give it the time that was needed nor did I realize my part. I truly missed the friendship I have had so few constant close relationships mostly because of my distancing from others that when I allow someone to come into my close personal life it truly hurts when they go. It is a pain as great as having my chest cracked open, my ribs broken and the feelings of uselessness are just as strong.
Again this is not being told to you out of pitty for me just so that you understand this is part of where the PTSD takes me. I hate it and at least I am aware of it though. Fast foward some time and well a situation that I created arose. I know it was not an easy choice that had to be made and I would like to think it was not made entirely on their own but a choice was still made. Something I had done at their request was being used against me. Something I did for them was now a weapon and well a choice was made and that is all I have to say about that.
I brought about a great deal of pain in this choice that was made a great deal of pain for them having to make it and a great deal of pain for myself that I don't even know they are aware of. I did something though that I am proud of I kept my word I took what came down instead of causing more pain for them. I took the emotional ass whooping that came with it. I have been disowned by most of the people I grew up with, I have been called some horrific names over it, People called my clients my ex wife about it and I lost the ability to see my daughter right now. I could of easily have stopped it I had the proof to put a halt to it....but I could already see the pain even coming to that decision caused and well I could not cause anymore to my friend. So I took it so they could have it easy.
So with all of that being said, here it is, this is why the loss is so great to me it has not a damn thing to do with her. It has to do with the fact I can't say I am sorry I can't even ask for forgiveness It has to do with not even being able to make things right it has to do with me being thought of in a way that is only assumed by these other people and it has to do with the fact that I did not feel good enough. That is where my pain comes from....I know I am a good man, I know that I do the right thing no matter what, I know that I actually care about people but it is so hard for me to accept that I am not good enough just the same....even when I am. And it has to do with the fact that I miss my Margarita Trivial Pursuit star wars watching political commentating doing good partner who I thought I needed to change for to impress......not realizing that with my broken thought process I was just fine. I wish I could say Iam sorry but I can't and I wish I could turn back time and actually respect her and what she needed and not what I needed.....I know this all sounds kind of stupid....But it goes to the core and part of what I need to heal it goes to the simple thing that I miss my friend and that being minimalized hurt along with my mind is damaged from the PTSD....
I don't know what the future holds but for my part I am sorry Iam sorry for my part and in time I hope that forgiveness is given to me. I just miss a friend but like I said at the begining loss is sometimes only felt by one.....maybe when i get out there cycling this loss and regret will go away as I find a way to loose my mind and find my soul. The yellow and white flowers have a meaning white is for forgiveness and well the other is personal. Maybe one day I will know if they even truly cared at all and then again maybe I won't I just know that I am sorry and I ask for forgiveness for my part because well again its the right thing to do.
