Decisions Decisions Decisions

Currently I am on my way to Fort Worth Texas.  I have come to a decision about my journey and it is solely my decision.  While I appreciated everyone's input and I value what each of you had to say several things have come into this decision and so I am going to start with why I came to this decision and then what my decision is so everyone can understand.

I started this journey for many reasons.  One of those reasons was that I did not like my self very much.  I was disappointed in my life and myself for allowing a lifetime of things to effect how I felt about myself.  I felt that I had never really accomplished anything and that I was never really worthy of being loved.  In other words I didn't think I was really of any importance.

Another reason for this journey was to show myself that I can be more then a scar more then an illness and that my life was more then the sum of my fears and past.  I wanted to let go of the anger and fear that had become a forced direction of my life.  Somewhere along the way early on people started to watch it.  For what reason I am not really sure but it seems that many can relate to some aspect of my life.  For that I am very grateful because I learned that I was not alone.  

I didn't know much about myself other then when I get knocked down I get back up.  I never give up and I always have tried to be in control....manipulating situations and people.  Finding some way to make things work out for me and well I was never very comfortable just being me again I think because I lost parts of me along the way and well fear had taken on a few to many aspects of my life.  I wanted to become a legend for a good reason.

I started this journey and found myself doing my very best pushing myself harder then I have ever pushed myself.  As many of you know I struggled from the very first day....every fear I had about this journey came true in a very short period of time.  But I was determined to find myself and let go...this is all part of a life journey.  

Placing a good bit of emphasis on the destination at first and not enough on the journey was a fault of my own.  I didn't take enough time at first to look at me and just the end result.  Thinking somehow if I made it all the way to San Diego my life would be complete.

What I have come to learn it has not a damn thing to do with the destination.  If I had not taken the time to find me out here the end result would be the same. I would just have 3000 miles under my belt but still been the same man inside.

Funny a journey of this magnitude can change you in many ways.  Ways I never understood.  I can not thank all that have watched commented and encouraged me along this path.  Somewhere I have learned a few things about me and let go of a few things.  I have come to relaize that I am more then my fears and past.  I have to come to see exactly who I became and I confronted myself several times each time for the better.

I will never be perfect by any means and really who would want to be.  The stress of maintaining that is to much. No thank you.

I am a flawed man and I accept that.  I am aware of my short comings but now I am aware of my strengths and it far surpasses physical strength....although I have that too.

My world and circle of life has expanded beyond my wildest dreams.  I have cleansed my life of the people who have had a negative input on my life and who for some reason I felt the need to be validated by them.  

All along i have been told that people see something in me that I could not see in myself.  Well I see that now.  I see that I am loving both internally and externally.  I see that through my actions I can inspire instead of push away.  I see that I am worth the effort for someone to love and I see that there is greatness inside me already just as there is in everyone.....I have learned that my past holds no power over me as long as I focus on the positives that are who i choose to be.  

Over this journey I have become an inspiration to others,  Many like my friend Patti who is becoming a foster mother, Mike and Carlos who have taken up exercising,  Jenko who knows that just because he has heart trouble can find a way to thrive with it and well i am sure countless others.

I have also found out that I love being of service to others.  I have seen what it truly means to keep moving forward in spite of set backs and heartship.  

The journey never ends by the way the destination is just a reason to keep moving forward but the journey never ends as long as one still breathes.

There are people in my life I want to see.  There is a woman who I think I may love who I want to know better. There is a daughter who needs me and there are things I want to be a part of.  I will always be a work in progress we all are but at this time I actually love myself for once and well I am happy.....

At the start of this I have had a goal of San Diego in mind for a physical end to this journey.  This latest accident just like everything leading up to this has been out of my control.  Professional athelets get paid to put their bodies on the line.  I do not and if I want to accomplish and do some of the other things I want out of life....I have to consider the consequences of continuing....The accident does not reflect on my abilities or qualities as a person.  Like I said I have already accomplished more then I could of hoped for and more then most thought I would.  

So my decision is pretty simple and maybe not what you expect at this point.  My decision at this point is to try and make it.....I can not guarantee that I will or that I will even be able to make it physically a day out of Fort Worth.  But I have to try.  I have to try because I said I would go until I physically cant and I wont know if I physically cant if I dont try and well im about keeping my word today even if it is to myself.

So the bike goes in the shop I get a few days rest and well i try to head back out.  This is my decision and at least if it doesn't pan out I am not far from help.  And at this point my ego no longer has a damn thing to do with this....its ok to stop if I have to I can if need be go home heal regroup and come back next year and restart from the scene of the accident...it is not quiting if I cant make it but it is quiting if I don't try.....so in a few days I will try again to move forward but with no guarantees or expectations on myself.  

Broken but Never Beaten