Seems the mind is like any other thing in the Universe while change is constant it's not comfortable. And while the person may want to let go the mind wants to keep what's comfortable. For me this journey was always about much more then the distance and the destination. It was about stripping away the things that I had created to insulate myself. Things both good and bad that I thought protected me. The only protection that has come from it is an unhealthy distance from others and inability to be my true self. While I'm forcing the change by being on this journey, by physically exhausting myself, being in solitude and by evaluating my patterns my mind is screaming hold on because what is, is comfortable. Well nothing great comes from a comfort zone so hold on no seriously hold on this may be kind of interesting.
Figuring out I'm the problem was the first huge hill. Everyone likes to look at themselves in the best possible light myself included. I always thought that I had to prove being worthy. I had to help whenever possible even when not needed. Heck I would even lie to garner respect. I needed to thump my chest as much as possible. Well a big reason was I never felt worthy of anything or any body. Well you read my past blogs you know this.
So fast forward a little and here I sit. In a tent in the middle of the dead lakes tired and exhausted. I have started to learn that if even just a little I'm not so bad. It is hard to sit with just yourself. It's not an easy task to walk away from a life while not great but one that is comfortable for lack of a better word. It is hard to leave a beautiful woman there knowing she may not be there when you get back. It's hard to leave a daughter whoat need you at a moments notice....hell it's hard to not reach out to an ex in reconciliation and friendship. It's hard to walk away from everything and everyone you ever loved for what seems like selfish reasons. I'm no good to anyone unless I become comfortable with me.
I have destroyed so many relationships out of fear that it's not funny. The biggest fear was they are going to leave me....or not like me if they knew who I really was. Wow that fear has guided my life and hurled it into turmoil at times. My life was never truly my own....by trying to "be me" I was never me.
There is a great line I read once. "If we are all born perfect how could any of us be better then anyone else".....think about that for a moment.
Hmmmmm
Hmmmmm
Hmmmmm
OK now here is my point....now if we are all perfect and no one is better then anyone else why did I have to act any different for approval. Because of fear. Somewhere through the events of my life fear gripped me aND made me put on an imaginary suit of armor. One that never protected me but just strengthened my fear.
Really what do I have to fear from people who are and I mean all people who were born perfect just like me. Not a damn thing and as for being worthy...I'm just as worthy as anyone else. I can not do anything about my past I can not spend another moment replaying past events over in my head wishing for a different outcome. Because it is past and the outcome won't change.
Yes these are the things that are processed in my head as I kill my body on this ride.
So with nothing to fear from others and from my past any longer where does that leave me at this moment????????
It leaves me knowing just a few simple things. The beautiful woman I left at home is on her own journey and if she finds another as long as she is happy I'm ok....she has that right and there is nothing to fear....yes it will be OK to mourn the loss but again I can't change what has happened. ... (we all may be perfect but we are not all powerful)....what I can do though is love her just the same.
As for my daughter well she knows her dad is coming home and this journey is to give her the father she deserves.
As for the ex or the ex's it doesn't matter either. I can't change the past and I have no right to condemn them either. I don't have to like it but it doesn't mean that I carry it anymore. Again letting all of them be there perfect selves dictated as they see fit....I can not make a differenT outcome happen.
So a little work on acceptance has started and well a little clarity and peace has come from this epic journey.
Time to just be comfortable with being me.....I don't know if this has made any sense at all and please excuse any typos this was done on my phone....
Now go face your fears and be the perfect you that you are....see I told you to hold on.
With love
