Tonight I sit here on a cool Florida night with a few weeks of my journey behind me. Facing a path of unknown and uncertaintanty with chills running down my spine and goosebumps on my arms. Hurricane Matthew is strengthening and is preparing to hit the area I just left. Yes it is a storm that is well rather fitting for this journey....becaus part of my journey will be to travel through it, maybe not the eye but definently part of it. The reason I find it fitting is that it seems to me that the universe has manifested the storm inside of me into something physical.....I know it sounds stupid but all of the things that I have feared have become real. From the car accident, the dog bite and now a hurricane have all been challenges I have been concerned about. There is nothing special about me nothing more then anyone else that is but I think the magnitude of the journey for inner understanding an peace has well become more then real.
Earlier today I had to ask for help so that I could continue. Well people showed up in droves to help me. They showed up and taught me that I am not alone. They showed me that this trip is bigger then just me. I am not alone and neither is anyone else......for this knowledge I will be eternally grateful.
You see most of my life I have always felt less then not accepted or worthy and at times my actions have warranted this. I have tried many times to compensate for this by going above and beyond to show others that I was someone. Never happy with being who I am. Inside me raged a storm of doubt and pain.
Most of my pain has come from the loss of love. Love forms in so many ways the love of friends the love of our children the love of family and well the love of strangers.....Love is the most powerful of all the human emotions. It is one that brings the deepest of sorrows but one that opens the hearts to the universe to the unimaginable joys and to the pure essence of all that is good and possible.
With so much loss and pain in my life. Some yes caused by myself but some beyond my control love has been a constant search in my life. Never feeling worthy of it has hindered my ability to truly be comfortable with where I am at and who I am with even when it is just me.
Learning to know myself for the perfectly flawed person I am always expecting myself to be more and never really reaching my potential has forced me to create a person. A person who is not real and who is angry distrustful and at times dishonest.
One of the joys of thsi trip is that those things are striped away they are no more. Here in the wide open world I have no protections, I have no shelter from the storm that rages both inside me as well as outside. Fitting like I said that this hurricane is named Matthew....
I am the storm for all that it is....am I worthy to find what I am searching for. Am I worthy of being loved. Am I worthy of the people in my life. I do not know but I know that I can not stop I know that I am more then the sum of my past and of my fears....I am no hero just a man who has lost his way in this life and knows that the only way I can continue in this life is to find my soul....and calm the storm.
So tonight I sit here thinking of the people past and present who have been a part of my life. From the lost loves of women who I have hurt through my actions and to each of you I am sorry you never deserved that you deserved better then me. To those that hurt me I am sorry for my part and well I forgive you. And for those that struggle with the notion that I may not be the love you thought or want it is ok. truly it is I may never be worth your love I understand that.......but to each and everyone of you know that I love you....I love everyone that has been a part of my life....Ladies past and present thank you for being a part of my life and for finding at least something to love in this Broken but not beaten man....
As for my friends past and present I will make you proud I will find myself and I will show everyone that we all are worth something that we are all worth love.......and I will be more then this storm.
We were all born perfect finding peace in just being myself is the destination the journey is through the storm.....
