I prefaced this blog in a rather ominous manner for a very particular reason. In everyone's life, we all have a past things we are not proud of, things that have wreaked havoc in not just our own lives but in the lives of others. Sometimes those situations are real or fictitious like in the prefacing of this blog (btw it was almost all a lie meant to get you to read this). The events mentioned actually do not even matter in the slightest bit. Airing someone's dirty laundry either for revenge or out of making yourself look bigger do nothing but belittle the person spreading it. It is up to you to decide if the things I wrote are truth or fiction and really does it matter? The answer to that is NO because it does not directly affect any of you. My why for writing this and prefacing this is just ahead so keep reading. THERE IS NO DETAILS OF ANYONE'S LIFE OTHER THAN MINE IN HERE SORRY I SUCKERED YOU INTO READING IT.....FORGIVE ME
I said this was going to be a farewell blog and my final one but I did not say how. Being a farewell blog to the past and forgiving what was said and done. Everyone has a past, everyone has something they are not proud of. I have been very open with mine and sadly it has been used as a weapon at times. It has given the excuse for others to be ok with talking about me as if my actions from decades past or even recently had some form of impact on them. Let me say this what has happened over the last few years have happened.....all the good and the bad.
Hanging on and hating my past and what I perceived the world had done to me was far worse than what anyone could ever say about me. I had to live it. I had to endure it. I had to deal with the weight of my actions. But it was even worse when I had to deal with the weight again from people who it never affected lashing out defriending me and assuming they knew the intimate details of situations they could not know. When my past was thrown around and my personal as well as someone dear to me lives were invaded and harassed it was wrong and no ones business. It has been a hell to bear the weight of the loss of so many people who I cared for because of people holding my past over my head were the people I grew up with and loved.
I prefaced this blog because right now someone somewhere is thinking ohhhh look I wonder who he is talking about. Really i am not talking about a single person and really it is no ones business if I was. That is kind of my point, my why for sharing about my life was not for people to trash me. It was for me to let it out there come to terms with it and heal. It was to let the people in my life know what has happened to me and what I have overcome and what I have dealt with. Nothing more, I never twisted anyones arm to participate in my life.
There were times on my most recent trip where the earth just showed all her non judgemental splendor and I have to say I learned a thing or two from it. I have been just as bad in my life and even recently of using a person's situation and past as a weapon against them and yet I have cried foul when done to me. It is a cycle that must come to an end hence, my final blog on any such subject as this. It is painful to do this to someone else and it is painful to have it done to you.
The things that have been said about me and how I reacted cost me some dear friends and I am actually sorry. I am sorry that anyone was put into a place where they actually believed everything that was said about me instead of how I interacted with them.I am sorry that personal situations that were no ones elses business where suddenly center stage. I will say this everything that has occurred this past year has been 45 years in the making and the journey has done what it was supposed to do. If you followed any of it you will know that I once thought I was broken and just to stupid to know I was beaten, then came broken not beaten and then Not broken and not beaten. It has come at a both a great personal gain and personal cost.
I have no idea, if what I wrote in the preface to this blog is really anyones business, I wrote it for a reason. You see when I share a blog about healing and overcoming it is read by a few hundred. When i preface one about anger and being vengeful it is read by thousands. I really wanted thousands to read this one. I wanted you all to know I am asking for your forgiveness, for so many things some that affected you and most that didn't but caused you to pass judgement on me.
It is so easy for people to pass judgement on one another. I have no idea, why people may cheat or lie I have no idea why they do any of the things they do. I do not have the right to judge anyone including myself. I have said it before I am a perfectly flawed person but I finally get it. If you find that you should hate me or that you should feel it necessary to publicly humiliate me or even keep your distance that is your choice to be the judge not mine. I am just asking for you to forgive me, because, I forgive you.
I forgive each person who heard a little something and not knowing the reasons or the whole story and passed judgement. Please forgive me for pulling you into reading this out of some expectation that i was going to rip someone apart or air everyone's dirty laundry. That shit is just wrong and sorry I'm just not that way. Just because I may know something about someone just means I have to decide for myself from my own knowledge first hand of that person if I want them in my life and it is not my place to share it. Maybe some of you have done that when it comes to me maybe you have not....but either way I forgive you. I hope that you can forgive me.
My ex's (plural) didn't do the things I prefaced or maybe they did it doesn't matter, maybe people's family did those things maybe friends did those things, to me it does not matter anymore. I have learned that there is so much more to the world then the need for petty judgement of what others see best for them. Please forgive me.
As for the people who have taken it upon themselves to air my laundry beyond what I shared, look it is ok, if that is what works for you then so be it. I actually have to thank you for what you did. You have become part of my healing this past year. Yes I thank you. It caused me to take a look at me harder than I could on my own. If I could hug you I would hug you. If I could look you in the eyes and thank each of you even the ones that made a choice to not be in my life I would. Sometimes change comes from pain and sometimes it comes from forgiveness but it is guaranteed when it is both of those things.
So what I have taken away from this past year is. Whatever your reasons are for what you did are your reasons and yours to deal with. I have no right to judge your reasons even if they hurt me. I can and should forgive those in and out of my life for leaving it. I am not god and have no desire to be him/her. We all make mistakes and the cost of those mistakes comes due one day. Thank those that hurt you because you can grow from it. The past is a matter of perception and the reasons for people's actions are as well.
I'm a good man and a worthwhile amazingly flawed person just like everyone else. I'm just a small part of the world and those that do not realize that yet I hold out hope that they may just realize it before they die. By forgiving someone I show them an unconditional love and level of understanding. It also takes all the power out of the pain.
So look in the closing of my final blog on this topic, it doesn't matter if someone used the courts as a gag order, it doesn't matter if someone was to ashamed of their circumstances to be real, it doesn't matter if someone marries for security over love, it doesn't matter if a drug addict got divorced 17 years ago, it doesn't matter if a guy cheats on his wife, it doesn't matter if someone lies about an open marriage, it actually doesn't matter. What matters is breathing, living, staying in motion, forgiving others as well as yoursel, being less judgemental and loving. That is what matters, this life is too short. So THAT HAS BEEN MY WHY this past year, it was to find it in me to let it all go and stop hating myself as well as others.
What is actually your why? And what are you doing to find it?
Mine was to heal and let go and despite the preface THAT WAS NOT ABOUT ANYONE if you read it just to hear dirt than you missed the meaning so reread it.
LIfe is too short live big in a bigger universe but it starts with letting go
