In this installment probably my last before I leave on my journey I'm going to discuss what a difference a year can make....Just one year. We have all seen these Facebook pop ups you have memories well that is what prompted this weeks installment.
A year ago things were very very different for me then this year. I was recently diagnosed with the my tumor and well I found the prospect of life very daunting. After fighting back from my heart attack, operation and stroke and not really expecting to live the latest diagnosis almost made me give up. There were several times when giving up was a viable option. I found myself going through the motions of life but not really enjoying it because well I thought this was the real end.
We have all heard the song live like you are dying....for most and myself included it wasn't really something I knew how to do. I kept my diagnosis very private only telling a few about it. Partly because I was scared and partly because I didn't really have anyone to tell or talk to about it. Im not sure if many of you can relate but over my life I have had moments of being a good man but at other times I was a jerk. Well this took its toll on relationships over the years and with the distance I kept after my illness well it was difficult.
No matter what no one wants to go through something alone but really I didn't know what more I could do. So this time last year was extremely difficult time. I became at peace with dying and calling it quits....after all I was tired of fighting. Besides it did not look like much could be done...
Going into the fall and meeting with doctors wreaked havoc on me.....but I also met some friends people I had not seen in a very long time and well it was nice....it was right around Halloween. The party was great that is for sure and sorry to say I have a date with a stretch of asphalt this year that will keep me from attending...but there is next year. In finding some friends it meant that I had people to talk to and I did. When the doctors told me there were somethings they wanted to try while partially still in the experimental stages I figured why not. They all came to a consensus that I needed to exercise. And well this one friend who had done a triathlon suggested I do a sprint in the spring. My answer was sure, little did I know where that discussion would take me. You see I only said yes to impress her and really had no intention of even being able to.
I did some basic working out bought my bike and spent time with friends and went through my treatments. As I have talked in previous Blogs the anxiety and pain of treatments and slow response of my body and lack of understanding started taking its toll on me. I also found out that well I want what I want when I want it despite others. This did not bode well still for relationships.....or peoples understanding. I was told a few things by a person I started seeing and you know after how I treated her i thought she would never talk to me again (more on that in a bit).
Some time goes by and I forgot about the TRI. But my calendar didn't and 2 months beforehand it reminded me.....mind you me and that young lady were no longer talking and well I was already destroying the relationship that I was in. So I decided to kick it into gear. In going through these break ups I learned some very valuable lessons about myself. There are lessons in everything if you look hard enough. Some common threads were: I was not always the man I presented myself to be. I was not always nice. I was very full of myself. I was arrogant to a fault and also not very honest when it came to certain things or to things people assumed.
This reality hurt and those words hurt. It hurt hard and well Im not beating myself up so please don't take it that way nor do I want any sympathy. Seems that the circumstances of my life dictated much of this and the PTSD did not help.
When I crossed that finish line of my first Sprint Tri I made a decision to become the man I know I should be. To seek out people I want to emulate to become a friend and yes a better father. With the treatments I went through and all the illness's behind me it was time for me to become the man I should of been all the time all along. Now I don't know if I am that is up to each of you to decide but since deciding to move forward with this trip my life has become immeasurably better.
After being introduced to the the people of The Ironheart Foundation I found what I was seeking. It is hard to find survivors let alone survivors my age who want to live and are living....I took it upon myself to jump into this group and ask guidance make friends and learn from people who well are my hero's because they have learned to be more then their scar. And well that is what I needed to do.
So I reached out and I followed what they do and I learn from them. I also reached out to the real friends of mine in my life relationships that have well relationships I let falter. It is said you want to know about a person you look at their friends. Well my friends are amazing....they inspire they challenge....they achieve what people consider the amazing. The thing is they are no different then anyone else they just choose to not live confined.
Even some people I went to high school with fall into this category while most of the others don't. Being a good decent person is not hard work hell its much harder and painful to not be. One of my friends who inspired me is training to be on the American Ninja Warrior TV show at the age of 46....and he has shown tons of people just like me how to be better. Another is training to be a body builder at 46 so why not me cycling across the US....because I have a few illness's. Oh no not a good enough excuse anymore.
So a year has come and gone my cancer is in remission my heart is kicking as if it was normal ( a miracle in my eyes and my doctors)....Im in the best shape of my life....a woman who by all rights should not be talking to me came back into my life and is my friend now. And well I have friends I have people that don't want anything from me other then the best for me. My daughter even told me she was proud of me. I also no longer tolerate being lied to or lied about I find that act despicable and cowardly if you want to know something ask me be a friend talk to me but don't talk about me in a bad way when you don't know me....
This is what a year makes and when you make a decision to be better when a decision to accept rather expect and when you realize you can be more things like riding a bike 3000 miles is not easy but worth it. This is what comes from trying to be better and realize that just because I am Broken I am never Beaten.....
KEEP IN MIND WE ARE ALL ABLE TO BE AND DO MORE AND EVERYONE IS AMAZING....THANK YOU TO MY FRIENDS WHO HAVE STUCK AND STAYED WHO HAVE INSPIRED ME AND WHO WELL LETS JUST SAY I LOVE.
