lately I have been doing a ton of thinking about the tag line "Broken Not Beaten". There seems to be some confusion and even a misunderstanding about this saying even for myself. I used to think it was to show people who think they are broken that they really are not. I put myself into that category, and now after some time, some therapy and a little 2 month adventure I have come to realize. No one is really broken and your only beaten if you choose to be.
A friend recently told me the only person that can beat me is me. It took me a good long time and a lot of thought to understand that. I will get to this in more detail here shortly, but what I have come to realize is Broken is a relative thing you are only broken if you think you are. I recently have spent some time with a therapist as well as a life coach and while Broken not Beaten is catchy it is not really true.
Im not broken no one really is. We all have the propensity to think that we are and we all have our demons. Yes even you reading this. Some of us internalize it more than others and some of us know of no other way to cope. It is easier to think of ourselves as broken then to put forth the effort to be more.
Recently I was at a children's hospital and I saw this very thing in motion. Most of these children have lived with their illnesses their entire lives. Some know no other way so are they really broken, no they are just challenged. But broken nope, not at all. They definitely do not ever give up...that is almost forbidden words as it should be in their lives or anyone's life.
When I started Broken not Beaten i thought of myself as just that. I thought of myself as a broken, why else would people throw me away. Why else would my mom have been taken from me. Why else would my heart fail and me face illnesses. Why else would things have turned out the way they did.....why else would I always take the blame for situations.....to me they were all signs I was broken.
Reality check number one: Not all of those things were my fault. Was it my fault my mother died no, not at all that is life. Was it my fault that my father took off on me as a child, no not in the slightest bit, that was my dads shit and sorry I don't need to carry the weight of that anymore. Was It my fault that evil bitch of a step mother beat me, No not at all, that was just how she was. Was it my fault I did some of the things I did, yes it was. It was my fault to pick up drugs. It was my fault that led to my divorce, it was my fault that led to loss of everything in my life that I so cherished. Those things are my fault, and what I did to correct them was the best that I could do but it is no longer my fault to hold onto those things. It is no longer my fault to be haunted by them and allow someone to hold them over me. If they want to carry those things there you go the weight is yours, I wash my hands of it.
Was it my fault that a woman who cheated on her husband with me was an asshole (BTW this is from ages past). No not at all that wasn't my fault and I did not deserve the behavior. Just as in some recent relationships sorry it wasn't my fault entirely and I will no longer carry that weight. Do I deserve an apology sure you bet. But I refuse to take the brunt of things because people fail to see their part. What I have come to realize is so few people take responsibility for their own actions, they refuse to look at their own part.
I am a people pleaser it is my greatest flaw. There is an old statement that "you can not please everyone all the time" well i take that as a personal challenge. Here is a little information on what someone who is a people pleaser does. People-pleasers yearn for outside validation. Their “personal feeling of security and self-confidence is based on getting the approval of others,” said Linda Tillman, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist in Atlanta, GA and assertiveness expert.
They often try to correct every situation and take the blame when things don't work out.....anyone that knows me will see these traits in me.
I have taken on the responsibility and allowed to many off the hook for their behaviors. I have allowed myself to be abused even as an adult because well i was afraid of being hurt and abandoned. It was a coping mechanism that has stayed from my childhood. It is one that has dictated and perpetuated this feeling of being broken when well i am really not. Sometimes it is just the asshole in other people that are the problem. Sometimes it is just their actions that can only blame someone else instead of looking at their part. That is a coping mechanism as well. It is called displacement. This is when someone blames someone else instead of looking at their part. It, just like people pleasing is a coping mechanism and when someone who suffers from it meets up with a people pleaser and things don't work out watch out all hell can break loose. One blames the other for everything and the other wants to internalize it and fix it.....oh so not good lol.
But yes this internalization of things has led me to think I am broken....it wasn't just my illnesses it was a culmination of so many things. I said a few blogs back I thought I would lose myself out there on the road not here at home, well I lost myself here after all. However, I have also started to find my soul here as well.
Im not responsible for someone else who thought it was ok to throw me away that is their own shit to deal with. My illnesses are just that illnesses as I have continued to show they are just hurdles in life to overcome. My trip pushed me further mentally and physically then I ever thought possible. Im working on some new coping skills....the physical aspects of my healing are taking care of the illnesses, the mental part well that is difficult but it starts with knowing only I can beat myself.
Im only responsible for my part in things and if someone wants to blame me or look at me in a negative manner that is their weight to bear not mine...it is easier to blame others for your own mistakes.
So with much more work to come I have a slightly clearer mind about what is in store. I need to work on new coping skills and to stop owning others crap. Sometimes it is just others being assholes and well I can not do a thing to please them nor should I have too.
All this came from a bike ride, as it says in the movie Wild.....maybe Iam already redeemed...maybe I never needed to be redeemed after all. Time will tell but as some of the pictures say below.....Im only beaten if I give up, Im only broken if I think I am, Iam stronger then that, Hell i have been carrying the weight of others for to long, but one thing all that weight did was, it made me stronger than just about anyone I know.....because I never give up....I may feel like it but I don't and now I don't have to please you to live.
I will always apologize for my part and I'm sorry...but I can't own yours anymore sometimes it's best for me to walk away.
