Add paragra
In this Blog today I will be talking about the physical hurdles and how I have come to get past them to this point. Yesterday I discussed the medical and mental issues I have dealt with so you have the back story. Not everyone can fully come back physically or emotionally from their illness the most important thing is that they try. Most will never have to ever go beyond what daily life asks of you. Yes some will have issues but sadly very few will ever have to push themselves I mean really push themselves beyond what they want to push themselves. But the purpose of this particular topic is that should you ever have to, you can take comfort in knowing you can.....we all can....it is inside each one of us to try. Personally I still have miles and miles to go myself on both fronts that is why this Blog is actually so important. This is part of my processes to healing and helping myself as well as someone else.
Let me start off with a simple truth I'm no superman I am not doing anything that many others before me have done and I'm not doing anything that is beyond anyones capabilities. My heart attack and stroke were my fault. They came from a lifetime of abuse to my body. From years of drinking, over working, eating unhealthy, smoking, drug addiction (yes I said drug addiction covered later) and just plain bad decisions concerning my health and life. I thought I would live forever and that I was healthy as a horse. Well if you read yesterdays blog you know the opposite was true.
When I woke in the hospital and learned of my stroke and the results of my surgery I was pretty devastated. Here is what I was told...."Mr Beggarly your ejection fraction is at about 20% (EF is a term used to explain how much blood your heart expels in a given pump the average is around 70% for someone in good health and 80% for people in excellent shape the average person is about 55 to 60%) you have lost about 30% of your heart muscle is dead and there is a good chance you may not recover the full use of the left side of your body we may have to place you on the transplant list". Tell me how you would feel if you heard any of those words. My initial thought was fuck it just end it now....
Over the next few days I did get some strength back to my left side my eye started working again and my speech improved drastically. My face even stopped drooping and making me look like a half Saint Bernard. These were just natural comebacks as at this point I was still confined to my bed. My leg still had no strength and after a week I had to start standing with the use of a walker. My left leg dragged behind me but it was time to take to the halls. Ass hanging out for all to ogle at. Funny thing is after someone has seen the inside of your body you're not ashamed of the outside anymore.
Well those first few walks were exhausting from the bed to the bathroom and back 10 feet in total and I had to sleep for hours. Then 25 feet and a nap then 50 feet and a nap. To offset the dragging of my leg I was given a leg brace when I wasn't with someone for support. Each walk required sleep afterwards. Eventually at about day 18 I could do a lap down the hall and back. Buy day 25 I could walk the entire ward with a walker and half of it with a cane. Funny how just trying helped with my spirits. Before I could leave I had to be able to climb a flight of stairs...with a cane and my brace. At day 27 I could. But I was far from being able to be on my own.
My brother Chuck and my sister-in-law April had to take me in. They had a bed set up on the first floor of their house in the kitchen for me....they live in a very rural part of Pennsylvania and it was the dead of winter. The pain from open heart surgery is like nothing anyone should ever feel. Keep in mind that when you are split open every rib breaks your breast bone is sawed in half and in my case four drain tubes are run through your abdomen. These tubes by the way when they are removed will make you wish you were dead the pain is beyond measure. Also forget coughing or sneezing as these will make you see stars...and almost pass out.
I took my time there I was being assisted but each day despite the weather and the temperature I would bundle up and walk outside. Some remember my face book posts I walked to the mail box and back then slept. Sweat pouring from my head as if I just ran a marathon. The next day I went a little further like across the street and back. We had a goal for me when I could walk to the neighbors driveway and back without stopping, a total of a half mile it was time for me to leave.
There was this one walk cane in hand and snow falling I was walking I slipped and fell into a snow drift. I couldn't get back up. I laid in that snow for almost an hour till the mailman drove by and helped me up. Funny thing I laid there thinking OK this is it. I survived a widow maker just to end up dead in freaking snow bank because I was so weak....it kind of triggered something in me.....I had to not be so weak. So I started pushing the envelope if even just a little and I stopped the pain meds as they were really knocking me out.
Eventually I walked that half mile. And I left! A few people saw me during this difficult time. My friend Trish, Stacey, John, Cecil, Pauline and my family. Some saw me early on some saw me about the time I left....but rest assured I looked like death warmed over.
The walking had to continue so my totally awesome daughter helped me. What 14-year-old does not love going to the mall. So we would go to White Marsh mall in MD and walk and talk together. They were some of my favorite times as a dad actually. You see before my surgery I was not much of a father. I once even opened an office down the street from my daughter thinking I would get to see her more. But what ended up happening is because of the new office I worked more and saw her even less. I was a terrible father and that is one of those things I'm going to have to reconcile in my head with my bike ride.
I also would go and walk with the morning mall walkers at Harford Mall but I didn't care much for that. Those old bastards are fast and well it made me feel useless because I was getting lapped by 70 year olds. What I did enjoy and most likely helped the most was walking with a shopping cart non stop around Wal-Mart. I actually felt normal doing this for hours and even at times falling asleep standing up.
By spring I didn't have to use my brace any more and the cane became optional...I had put a ton of weight back on though. At one point I tipped the scales at almost 300 and that is not good for a guy who is only 5'6". The financial reality of also hit at this point....my medical bills were climbing and I had already lost my interest in my business as well as my home and vehicles. It was either keep those things or survive.
A few friends put together an online and in person fundraiser for me so that I could continue to heal since I was by far still not able to work. It was one of the moving displays of my life to have people from all over show up and help me. People I never imagined would do and some I thought would didn't. But that is ok. I learned something valuable that we all need each other and it is better to help then to hinder.
Well fast forward a year and life had returned I was able to go back to work and I had gotten a place to live. I reverted right back to aspects of my old life-like almost 90% of all people do. This is when the diagnosis of cancer came about. And you want to talk about being stopped dead in my tracks....My heart medication was not yet fully stabilized and now I was going to have to fight cancer. You see medication is not an exact science everyone is different and reacts differently so it becomes a trial and error thing. For instance I could not take the pain killers needed to endure the cancer treatments because it would affect my bp too much. So after some careful thought and long talks with my doctors it was on. But they told me the only way I could handle this was if I started exercising.
Also around this time I met an old friend again. Someone who had done a triathlon herself. She assured me that I could exercise hell she had done it and she even challenged me to completing one within the next year. I will be eternally grateful for that challenge because it changed my life. Well we stayed very close friends and had a burgeoning friendship throughout the many months of cancer treatment. Eventually though like many things shit happens and well I'm not ready to talk about that yet. But had it not been for that challenge and her assistance I don't think I could have taken the pain of my joints and head hurting to the point of blindness at times let alone exercised and even tried.....my standard line was always "I am fine" and there were many times I just wanted to give up...No matter what may have happened I will always appreciate that friendship but that is all I have to say about that.
Reality was I was far from fine. The treatments hurt so bad even worse than the pain in my chest except when I sneezed after my surgeory....but the thing was it was constant but I had a life to lead damn it. I had a life I wanted to live and I had a goal again. So with the cancer going into full remission and the treatments ending I set my sights on completing a sprint triathlon.
I choose my first as a simple shorter one it was a 250 meter open ocean swim, followed by a 10 mile bike ride, followed by a 5k in sand (I did not know about the sand till the day of the race). I only told a few about it at first then I told more as the event was getting closer. And about a month before the event I had what is called asymptomatic stroke relapse. While it feels and looks just like a stroke it is not a stroke but is treated the same (they come from being to stressed and it is a full return of the original stroke similar to an internal hey chill button). I lost all feeling on the left side again it went weak and I struggled to talk. I even had to spend 5 days in the hospital. Funny thing is some seem to think what occurred wasn't real but thanks to my friend Tina and Dan who came to see me the truth is known. You see what I have learned from all this is that some people are just haters....because they themselves can not overcome or are not willing to try to overcome their own obstacles they can not fathom that others can.....please don't ever be a person like that. The difficulties of living are hard enough and then having to prove reality to some nay sayer is even more difficult.
I went by myself 2 states away I showed up signed up and I FREAKING FINISHED!!!!!
It was one of the proudest moments of my life it changed my life....it humbled my life and it made me realize I need to get busy living.....because I did something that people including myself never thought I could I reached a goal I pushed that goal and reached it again....I will never be a podium placer but I will do my best to finish everything I start and I will have a blast doing it. There is a line from a Garth brooks song "There is this love that is burning deep in my soul constantly yearning to get out of control wanting to fly higher and higher I can't abide standing outside the fire". Well I don't anymore and I think it scares people. They can not understand what it means to live unfettered. I know my time is not forever I know because I have been there. I know there are moments that only come once a lifetime and I will not miss them. I will participate in life as much as I can.
Now days life is different I know I can reach and exceed my personal goals I know I can accomplish anything. I stand by my convictions and I try.....and that is the most important thing. Since that event this past June I have been skydiving, snorkeling, Climbed a 275 foot cliff/trail, rode my bike 150 miles solo, cleared medically for scuba diving, Even went and protested at a national political convention and I competed in another sprint triathlon (this one was 800 meter open water, 14 mile bike ride and a 5k).
I have also met and started communicating with the most amazing people in the world.....survivors and thrivers that have been teaching me how to get past things and inspire me to live...this group called IRONHEART is a group of people who have all been effected by heart disease whether they are patients or loved ones they show everyday what it means to be alive, some have even completed the ultimate physical test in completeing an Iron Man triathlon. My way of truly joining their ranks and by putting my demons to rest is by doing this bike ride this fall. Even though just by doing the sprints and trying I m accepted I know that I need to keep trying to not only inspire myself but to inspire others....maybe one day people like that nay sayer may actually realize they can do something more than cut people down. I appreciate the people that show concern out of love I really do by the way....and really Im not going nuts Im just living different then you....and not all things are as they seem.
My life is not perfect and there is much work to be done and many demons to lay to rest....at this point though the demon about whether or not I can do something is slain and hopefully if you need to slay that demon my story helps you do it. Tomorrow I will be talking about the emotional toll all this has taken on myself as well as my loved ones and and what I am doing to address it...till then Life is amazing good or bad it is amazing enjoy it. Oh and by the way My EF is now 50% now that is bad ass.
