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In this page I'm going to talk about feelings. Some I know where they come from some I don't want to know where they come from. As I posted in an earlier blog PTSD from medical conditions is a very real thing. Hell Ptsd from just about any traumatic event is a very real thing. The mental battle day in and day out is easy for some and hard as hell for others....some are taught skills as children to handle these thoughts....some ignore them....and some have to live with them. Again Im no doctor, just a guy explaining where I am at and why I hope this trip opens some doors and closes some others.
To make things easy for people and myself to understand I should probably talk a little about the feelings associated with certain events. Events that have left a lasting impact on my life and events that no matter what I have done to this point I can not shake. Not all of them are about my medical conditions some are from my actions some are from all actions and well some are just from life. Please keep in mind that at this stage I will only go as far into these events as I'm comfortable with not every detail is for publication and some details are for me to process and move past on my own.
Some of my earliest memories come from around the age of 9 and 10. Not much before that it actually is mostly a blur. I grew up in a fairly normal and close family. There was my father, mother, brother and myself. Some that will read this know this story and some don't. I will pass on some of the details the goal here is to focus on the feelings as I will with most of these events.
In the Summer of 1981, July 11th to be exact. My mother passed I was 10 years old at the time. She suffered from a severe and extremely aggressive form of Cancer. One that required her to be in the hospital virtually every other day. Being just a child the night before my mother passed I got rather upset. I told her I hated her because of her illness and the fact that I couldn't play with my friends because I had to sit at the hospital with her all day. Little did I know those words "I hate you" may be the last words my mother ever heard me say.
The next morning she collapsed from an aneurism and well, being the only one home she died in my arms. A neighbor heard me screaming and called the ambulance and she herself was a nurse so she started CPR. When the police and ambulance showed up I was taken out onto the front yard. All I remember is the world spinning sirens blasting and blurs running past me in all directions.
My brother eventually walked up and a wonderful police officer by the name of Wendell helped me and chuck as he told us that there was nothing they could do. I can not explain in words all the feeling I felt at that moment...but the feelings I get from it today are: Regret, Anger, Abandonment, Fear, Loneliness and Sorrow. I will never know if my mother heard me tell her I loved her as her hand went limp on my arm.
Fast forward a few years and well my father tried as best he could (funny I learned something from this experience we all just do the best we can but it's not always enough). But he didn't know how to raise to kids without the love of his life. So he started staying away sometimes for months on end leaving me and my brother to raise ourselves. You know we only have the capacity to love trust and handle things by what we are taught as young person. As my therapist has told me sometimes what we do to manage our life is to listen to the parenting voice inside us. Well my parenting voice for a long time and possibly still now is that of a 12 year old and not an adult.
So with this series of particular events feelings again to grow Abandonment, Anger, Distrust, Fear, Loneliness and what started was feelings of not being good enough.
Eventually my father found a person to fill the void in his life. He came home to stay with quite possibly the most evil person I have ever met. But she had my dad snookered. Shortly after they were married my father realized it was a disaster and to boot he lost his job but found a job out-of-state. So my father bailed again and my brother being older went shortly after him into the Army. Leaving me with this vile woman. At this point again the abandonment kicked in and this woman drove it home. She was physically abusive at times she put cigarettes out on my feet occasionally to wake me at night in a drunken rage but the worst part is when she would tell me how my father, brother and even my weren't around because of me.....This drove the Anger and Rage home for me....it all came to a head though when she stabbed me in the leg with a piece of wood molding while I was trying to break up a fight she was having with her daughter.
Being from a small town things were swept under the rug and my father being beaten he just paid her off. Basically gave her everything and I got put out of my own house. Now my dad did try to buy me off and thought money would compensate but at 16 I became a legal adult. I lived with friends and was even able to finish high school but I was never able to do something that I regret to this day and that was to attend college. You see I had to work to jobs just to be able to pay for own food and clothes. Again with feelings of abandonment.
I don't know if anyone can relate but the last christmas I or real Thanksgiving I had from did not occur till the age of 25. That is 15 years with no family events and coming from a family that while my mother was alive was very close.....it was tough. The feelings that came through this were much different there was always this anger but there was also this sense of I had to take care of me if no one wanted me then damn it I had to take care of me.
I did. I did what ever I had to do to make sure I lived and sometimes they were not always the best choices....regret set in hard though and each dangerous choice I made left a little scar of its own. However I did have this fire inside to prove to everyone they were wrong about me I was worth wild. So I taught my self how to be an insurance broker and eventually a licensed financial advisor/stock broker. I met my wife and well things were good. She was an excellent woman but we were not in Love.
Let me stop at this point I had only loved 2 women to this point. One I lived with for a short time and well my distrust of others as well as control issues played a part in the end of that relationship....however years later we are still friends. The other was my first love as we all have and let me just say I miss that relationship and all my all my relationships that are no longer around greatly.
Now back to my marriage. My wife was a top-notch woman and well out of my league. But again for me at least it was a comforting relationship because it was the first time in my life that life was normal. While I loved her and still do but I was not in Love with her. She became pregnant and well we had the most incredible gift given to us my fantastic daughter.
I said in an earlier blog that I was not a good father. Well I wasn't and I probably am not still to this day. You see I was scared I got full of myself. I was the first of my friends to have a really nice single family home, a career, a child that lived with me and what seemed to be perfect on the outside. However I blew it. I got involved in something I should have never have gotten involved with and one day I came home from a drug induced binder to find a suitcase the locks changed and divorce papers. There came the feelings again of being thrown away...that old feeling of just not being worth wild. My daughter was not yet 1 when this happened and I didn't see her again till she was almost 3.
That homeless drug spell lasted entirely to long. It led me to do somethings I don't know if I can forgive myself for let alone forget. I felt worthless hell even beyond worthless. Eventually I found a little hope. I found a little ray of light and I left the desperation of drug addiction behind. You don't know but I will tell you I had to see my daughter at the Towson court-house every sunday for a year.....I took 3 bus' and walked a half mile no matter the weather no matter once having an illness to see that fantastic little piece of perfection. No matter what had gone wrong in my life she was worth always showing up for.
That's all I have to say about that....but over the preceding decades there were several extreme ups and downs. I went from the tops to the bottom but I always tried to show up and I always found a way to survive maybe not thrive but to survive.
Those feeling of anger towards the world towards everyone that threw me away were always present. I hated myself and in turn could care less about anyone else....really you didn't matter to me. Hell during all that time like I said I had success and epic failures I was once making the high 6 almost a 7 figure income...but the feelings of not being worth wild always were there.
I eventually had some return to normalcy I even invited a woman back into my life. What a colossal blunder. She was married for me it was safe till eventually it wasn't. She used me lied about me and well lets just say eventually because of a slew of lies to keep her children and her other affairs secret I went to jail. It was a bad bad situation and I am not an angel in the situation but I certainly did not deserve a year in jail for a misdemeanor and a smart mouth. You see I have always done things my way and sometimes to my detriment. I may have been ok and just gotten the minor sentence of a weekend or two.....no when asked if I had anything to say to the court my dumb ass did. I said everything you should not even say like when the judge said "mr beggarly if you don't shut up I will hold you in contempt" my response got me 6 months...."Your honor I would actually have contempt for this if it was a court"....
I did 9 months in jail day for day...most of that time because again I am a fighter and I don't like abuse of any kind I ended up on Max Lock down. I spent 6 months on A block with murderers and god knows what else (you don't talk about it). There were no windows no heat no air conditioning just a 6X9 barred up room with a single 60 watt bulb. I was only out for 3 hours a week to make calls take a shower and watch tv. I didn't know Osama Bin Laden had been killed for 3 weeks.....This was the ultimate in being thrown away...this was forgotten territory...and I let a person into my life and this is what happened.
Well fast forward a little and yes jail changed me. It made me realize I don't ever want to go back it made me hate people who use others and throw them away it made me miss my friends and it showed me just how alone I really was. I also didn't get all bad things from jail I learned to anywhere beauty can be seen. I celebrated my 4th year of being drug free in jail and unless you been there this you will not understand. All 11 other men on that tier sent me their cake from dinner to celebrate it. All of us have a propensity for good even those that you think are the worst. Maybe you have heard this and maybe you have not there are only two days in jail no matter how long your sentence is the day you go in and the day you get out everything else is just one long day.
That time brings back many feelings and is one of those periods of time I need to let go of....
A few years go by and wham I was part owner of a company again not being a very good dad. Kind of cats in the cradle type shit. I became a workaholic again with something to prove....and then wouldn't you know it. I ended up dead on a McDonald's floor.
There is something about dying that is actually peaceful. There was no pain there was no more fear there was no more anger it was all just ok this is it. However my mind rushed like a fast forward movie and stopped at most of these moments that I have described above. That is why I know these are the moments that I am meant to deal with these are the moments I need to let go of these are the moments I need to be free of....
No emails no phone calls hell nothing else mattered other than my daughter and the few relationships in my life. While I made it all sound bad it wasn't. My life has been filled with so much. I have always pushed the envelope. I have always tried my best to do what is best even when it hurts me.
Recently I had such situation and again it involved a person I let into my life. I tied to much of my living up into a person and well when it didn't work and a great friendship was lost . I lashed out in response to their inability to even acknowledge that I was even a friend. I said something and did something I shouldn't have....it wasn't physical it wasn't emotional it was just proof that our friendship once mattered and honestly it was meant to hurt them because they hurt me....well in doing this they were placed in a position because either perceived or not perceived their reputation was tarnished....because of their involvement with me....So I did what was asked of me and I did my best to make it right and I promised I would and well it has cost me dearly and I don't have anymore to say about this.....
You see feelings come in many different shapes and sizes. For me they show up and they stick around. The feelings of abandonment, being worthless, not good enough, scared, lonely, helpless, anger, frustration, hopeless and frightened have been with me always. The trauma of my death brought them all out. You see I think that part of what the PTSD does it takes those feeling that we all have and sends them into HYPER DRIVE. Being aware of them is a great start knowing that they are just feelings and can not kill me is a plus.
Don't get me wrong I am glad I am alive even more so now then at any other point and time in my life. Despite those feelings still pushing my buttons. However I have not always been this rotten bastard either. I have done some amazing good. I know how to take one so others don't have to not everyone is strong enough to handle a burden so sometimes its just easy to take that burden on myself. There have been times when I get out of my own way and help and I find that doing that helps offset these negative feelings. I'm not nuts despite what you read above I m just honest about what I feel maybe to honest. I have demons as you can tell that I need to slay I need to prove to myself I can do something truly epic and I have situations and people to forgive...this is my journey and it does include finishing this ride. Despite the anger despite the frustration despite the feelings of being less than I KNOW THAT THE BEST IS YET TO COME I just have to get there in one piece.
The two most important things in this world. One is the relationships that I have with my friends, the people that have stuck by me and the people that love me for the good as well as the bad....And Secondly the ability to do more the ability to be better the ability to give that gift to others....I know this trip will be one of healing and hell at the very least it will make for one hell of a good story. Till next time rock on or what ever you do.
