It has been a little while since I have written a blog that dug deep. I have purposefully stayed away from them because when I returned from my cycle trip much of what I wrote was used as a weapon against me. Some misunderstood what some of what I was writing about and some assumed it was about them, either way it doesn't matter. I also heard from some that it was raw or to personal for general publication. That I should not write on such a level people would not understand it, or even relate to it. However I know that by digging deep and sharing openly about my feelings, faults and issues many did relate.
Today, I decided to return to what I know best, me. While I truly do enjoy the writing that I am putting together for submission to magazines I miss the real reason I started writing in the first place and that was to discuss the things that run through this mind of mine. So with that being said or written in this case, I am going back to my roots and going to enjoy telling you all where I am at emotionally and why.
Earlier today I posted something on Facebook that actually put a few people back on their heels. I wrote about being bored on this journey of the great loop. That I was tired of seeing all this beauty that I was tired of relaxing and I was tired of eating/visiting some of the most opulent places I have ever seen. Personally I think that really made people question my sanity, I hope I can clear this up for you some.
Most of the people who have read my blogs know my story but for those that don't let me sum it up in rather short order. I died, I had a stroke, I fought two forms of cancer and I never gave up. I then went on an incredible ride across half of the United States on my bicycle. I did it for several reasons, one to show myself that I could, two to close the door on my past so I could move forward with my life, thirdly to show others that no matter what is wrong physically you can still do something amazing and finally to show someone that I was worth wild. Yeah 3 out of the 4 were good reasons, I know.
When I look back over all that I have accomplished over the past year and I did accomplish a ton, if you think I have not you are sadly mistaken. I have become a sponsored cyclist, a published writer, a triathlete and a person who rode his bike solo across the United States. I did all this after surviving some terrible illnesses that most would of given up over, dealt with some horrendous lies/accusations being said about me and the loss of some people I once thought of as friends. I accomplished those things and they can never be taken away from me or diminished and I am fucking proud that I and I will say that again I am fucking proud of it.
You do not have to understand my reasons and you do not have to approve of why I did any of it. That does not matter to me anymore actually. This is my life and I have chosen to make a go at what I want my life to be like. I choose the title of this blog for a reason, I have walked through hell. Not just from the things I mentioned above, but from things I have self created as well. But here I am now in a good place and yet I still was bored surrounded by beauty non stop.
Part of me feels that I don't deserve it still, do I really deserve to be eating in the Grand Ballroom of the Jekyll Hotel, do I deserve to see the sun set over the Florida coast, deserve to run with wild horses or walk along the prettiest beaches in North America. Do I deserve to sit and talk with people who probably if they knew some of my past probably would never talk to me. Well to answer your question I do.....I am human just as they are no different and no better or worse. If you gauge worthiness off of belongings or status you are a fool.
It is hard to explain this and I will do my best here. I was complaining about the boredom and I don't want anyone to think that I am not grateful for the opportunities that I have received as of late. No not at all I am beyond grateful to be here and have this chance. That is not it, if you have never traveled like this or even like my bicycle trip it gets lonely. Even being in these amazing places, doing these amazing things and seeing these amazing sights it gets lonely and that makes it boring. After 8 months of being alone it would be nice to have someone to share all of this with but that is just not in the cards.
It is that loneliness that brings me to why I share this and bring you all along. I know not everyone gets to do these things, hell I didn't for 45 years. I don't share these things to say hey look at me or to say hey look what i did, if you think that you don't know me. I share this with you all because you help keep me in the right frame of mind you help me understand what is really important. This is all new to me and after walking through hell being able to get bored with beauty is actually a blessing. Like my friend Chance said to me earlier, "Matt you set the bar really high on adventure with the bicycle trip, not much else will compare". He was right, this trip is different it is preparing me. As another friend Amber put it, remember those nights when you were alone in the middle of nowhere scared on your bike trip, this is preparing you to fight through them next go around.
I have walked through hell sometimes kicking and screaming, but I made it, and yeah I may get bored but it is not really from the surroundings or the lack of adversity it is from loneliness so thank you to all of you for sticking around and for seeing me through my personal hell. Rock on be amazing and get your heart in motion it really is worth it.
