This topic is well past due. It is something that happens and happens to many people, most only think of ptsd and soldiers, but it effects many more people then you can imagine. You never know who will be effected by PTSD and actually very little is know even about the treatment of it. Most lkely you are sitting right next to someone who is suffering from it. In this blog I will be discussing the facts as I know it about PTSD, what it is like to have it, how my journey helped with it and how the return home didn't. My hope in explaining this aspect is to bring awareness to this it is not to make excuses for things it is for me to identify this aspect of my life and how wonderful I felt to be free from it while on my ride.
I have personally stayed away from this subject, because well it scares me. It is one thing to deal with the physical illnesses it is entirely different dealing with a mental illness. With a physical illness, you are able to rebuild your body and overcome a task. Granted it may take a ton of work but it is still doable. Hell Im living proof of that, just look at the 180 my heart has done. It has gone from an ejection fraction of 20% to 65% almost that of any professional athlete. It is doing that with a significant amount of dead tissue and has taken a ton of work to achieve it but its doable.
What I know about medical and emotional based PTSD. Posttramatic Stress Disorder can hit anyone that has experienced a tramatic issue. It doesn't hit everyone and it may never effect someone who has been through the exact same experience. Take soldiers that landed on D day for instance, out of the hundreds of thousand soldiers, not all were traumatized by the horrors they saw. But many were, look at the Iraq war as well, many of them have experienced it but not all. Look at heart surgery, the most evasive of all surgeries short of a heart transplant, doctors tell you one thing, you will experience some depression at some point its common all patients feel it. The reason why they minimize it is because there is no way to tell who will have it and who will not. So it does become something that is monitored. I remember for a year after my surgery I went weekly to see a therapist not a physical therapist but a mental therapist. More on that in a little bit.
Now if you have taken the time to read my blogs and know about my past then you know that I have gone through my fair share of tramatic experiences. Now take into account that being alone most of my formidable years, a distant family and distance and solitude from friends has lessened my coping skills or even my ability to recognize certain behaviors. Below is an excerpt from a pamphlet on PTSD....here is the link to the pamphlet it will help you understand it better then me explaining it as I'm not a doctor:
http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/understanding_ptsd/booklet.pdf
PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder) is a mental health problem that some people develop after experiencing or witnessing a life-threatening event, like combat, a natural disaster, a car accident, or sexual assault. It’s normal to have upsetting memories, feel on edge, or have trouble sleeping after this type of event. At first, it may be hard to do normal daily activities, like go to work, go to school, or spend time with people you care about. But most people start to feel better after a few weeks or months. If it’s been longer than a few months and you’re still having symptoms, you may have PTSD. For some people, PTSD symptoms may start later on, or they may come and go over time.
PTSD is a very debilatating illness for me it manifests in many different ways. It is always with me and certain stressors bring it about in a much more harsh and hard fashion. I know a few of you reading this know or have experienced an anxiety attack. Now imagine if you will an anxiety attack or panic attack or both of a magnitude of 10 at all times. Imagine always being on edge, always looking and felling danger, always feeling anxious, always feeling fear always feeling like your on pins and needles, then throw in constant feeling of not being good enough or not being able to do something others take for granted....then imagine paranoia around every corner and if you combine all of them BAM YOU HAVE JUST IMAGINED THE DAY IN DAY OUT MINUETE BY MINUETE LIFE OF SOMEONE SUFFERING FROM FULL BLOWN PTSD! Anger becomes a way of life, disappointment becomes accepted and life becomes hell.
Telling people it is not that bad sorry doesn't work and shows a true lack of empathy. To them and myself everything matters. Life after death can be both wonderful and horrifying and really I don't think many will understand that statement. But medical PTSD is one of the most common of all PTSD triggers. Just saying. You see I don't think I have always had PTSD. I think it has been a gradual build up and over the past few years it has well accelerated...if I had to pinpoint any one circumstances I can not.
So now that I have explained some of what it feels like to have it active in your life let me explain some of the effects. Failure to get close to people, always keeping people at arms length because of being afraid to be hurt. Worse yet being the first to hurt someone because it lessons the hurt on you. Yes I said that, it makes relationships almost impossible and painful you see....the person suffering from it such as myself knows what it should be like, we know what it means to be in a good relationship but the racing thoughts the paranoia the feelings of anxiety and not being good enough well they rip at the relationship.
When I went through therapy for that year after my surgery it became apparent that the surgery and my stroke were just a new stressor. It was nothing short of an added horror to at least in my mind a horrific life. Over time and talking about it helped. Even these blogs help me even if no one bothers to read them.
After the therapy and a little healing I thought things were pretty well under control. See that is one of the issues with PTSD. Much like my heart disease I will always be a patient. But it is important to remember treatment goes on for your entire life.
When I made a decision to go on my trip, and yes that decision to go was reached out of a knowledge there is more to life. I have talked about that several times about what it meant to me knowing there is more to life then this and that I needed to find it. I reached the decision to go on my trip because I acted out on my PTSD I had acted like an asshole and I needed to change, I needed to prove to myself I was ok.
Once I made the deciosion to go on the trip I almost entirely felt better all at once. I was focused I was driven and I was excited for the possibilities. From day one, well day 5 since the first day ended with a hospital trip, I felt great. It had been months since I had an anxiety attack or paranoia and well I was proud of myself.
There is something beautiful being out on the road, something beyond therapuetic. Every day was a new adventure, everyday was a new experience and there was time to process the racing thoughts. Try it sometime it is beyond healing. Focusing on the journey and the feelings and having no outside influences I was able to process these feelings in a singular healthy manner. Being alone with just yourself you have no choice but to face yourself. It was healthy it was healing and I loved every second of it. So much so I didn't even feel the need for my medication.
I even acuired a few stalkers along the way that yes while they interferred they didn't matter because I was in the grips of the greatest adventure I was living.
However my trip was cut short, I felt imediatly not good enough imediately not worthy and imediately all of those feelings hit me all at once. Some call it road withdraw some call it trail depression but it is real at least to me. With my return home I talked often about feeling like a square peg in a round hole....a big reason for that was not only the anxiety of an adventure of coming to an end but the return of my PTSD.
Finding out about a family illness, increase stalking (and yes that is not imaginary lol), Financial isues, as well as other things it took its toll on me. This past week I collapsed for the first time in years I had enough it was truly overwhelming. I don't expect anyone to understand heck most don't even have a clue and project their own life experiences and assumed mine was the same as theirs sadly and wrongly though and well that hurts a little to because even my friends don't understand.
So I have done a whole bunch of writing a whole bunch of soul searching and a whole bunch of emotional issues coming and going. I have tried to take the high road I have tried to ignore the ignorance, the attacks and the pain. You see what I have learned about myself and what I have learned about through that time with just me is that I still did something amazing, I did something that I know few people have done and no one else with my medical history has done. No matter how much people try to taint that they can't. Im caught right now between being that person with PTSD and a past or the man I want and know I can be. Im almost over that line I am almost past the crowd throwing stones and yes I want to act out like I used to. I want to be that guy I once was but I also know that it will do one of two things. Prove their statments true that I will never change and it will just pull me further back into that hell I was in.
Instead just like I have overcoming all obstacles I will keep pushing forward I will walk through this crowd I will not be pulled back into the thinking that I am not good enough. I will reach for the life I want the life I have worked for and handle this pain just like so much in my past. The ones trying to drag me back well sorry it won't work, I know what I accomplished I know how far I have come and I know how far I have yet to go. Im sure it is hard for the people I love and who love me to see me go through this....it is ok. I need to go through this, I need to.
That is why I have choosen to go back out. This time it is to finsih the job it is to finish the experience and heal....if you get inspired cool if you want to see me fail that is on you. I will find my soul out there and I will get past my past and you can either support me celebrate it or not doesn't matter. This is not for anyone but me.....and my love of the road the lessons of life I have learned from it already prove that what Iam searching for are out there...and some of them I have already found. I will live and thrive through this with the lessons yet to be taught and the beauty left to see. THIS RETURN TRIP IS GOING TO BE BEYOND AMAZING IT WILL DO WHAT IT NEEDS TO DO AND I WILL MAKE IT.....AND IM MAKING IT FOR ME.
PTSD IS REAL.....15% of the population suffer from the extreme manifestation for another 5% suffer from lesser forms that is roughly 70 million americans....try and be a little understanding when you see it and help them to understand what is going on....
