It is ok to miss a person, a moment, a smile or a glance. It is ok to miss the sound of a persons voice and it is ok to miss their touch. Sometimes missing someone is a way of saying hey I love you and sometimes it is a way of letting things go in your own time. In this blog I am going to talk about missing someone about loving someone and about letting it be. I use this blog to share me in the hopes that you know a little more about me.
Tonight I was sitting on the bow of the boat in complete darkness with nothing but the stars above as a reminder that I am not alone. Being here on the intracoastal in some waterway I have never heard of with the wind blowing through my hair and the waves lapping against the hull, I had thoughts of how much you would like this. A family of dolphins came up to the boat to say hi and play, it is in a magical moment like that when I missed you most of all. I always thought the world of you, I always wanted you, from the moment I saw you. I wanted you.
Not that we ever had a chance to do things like this together but from what I know about you this would of stirred you to your soul. It is beautiful out here, quiet and calming, rather surreal at times as well. For me it is as close to perfect as I could be by myself, but it is in that, where the thoughts of you have come in to play. Often times when you cross my mind I think back to your laughter, your smile and your touch and most times it makes me happy and other times it reminds me of the pain of you not being in my life anymore.
While our time was not long I know it was important at least to me, because I can still hear your voice and smell your scent at times. That is when I miss you most. It is often said that missing someone is the heart's way of saying that you loved them.
Sometimes words are just words and sometimes actions are just reactions. All too often I have reacted and reacted wrongly mostly out of pain not anger.
Maybe I was just a fling, maybe I was just a passing of time till something better came along but I miss you because to me you were none of those things. You made me want to be a better person, your touch struck a fire in my core, and the pain comes from me falling short. People are built different, some can close someone off and sometimes the other person's need for a response is so strong that any contact good or bad is still a response. Forcing any response while childish and stupid is a way of being reminded that I am not forgotten and that I mattered. I never said it was right I just said it was a feeling.
I remember every kiss, every touch and I remember seeing the look in your eyes as I said I love you. I remember the smell of your hair or the twitch of your body when I kissed your shoulder. I remember holding your hand and talking for hours and I remember running in the rain. I even remember having a stranger clap over seeing us together. Those are things distance and time do not take away. But I also know that things are different. I have wanted to call so many times I really have.
You can hate me, blame me, think the worst of me if that is what works for you ok. You can even forget about me, but know that I cared and that I am hurt even still because you mattered even if I didn't. You mattered as my friend and as a lover and I am sorry. One can always miss someone and still know it is over. It happens all the time I just wanted to know you had not forgotten about me and that I mattered. It is because of that I choose the quote for the opening picture, I just wish there was a way of knowing that you understand/forgive and that I at least meant something. That was all I ever wanted to know....
Really that was it my friend turned lover and maybe one day friend again.....if not goodbye and know I cherished the time that was spent.....and I hope one day you do not regret it.
