I'm pretty sure I never discussed the real reason for my trip. There were a ton of different reasons and maybe even some of you guessed at them by now. However there is only one reason for the return trip. There is something that comes with doing something no one else has done, there is something that comes with moving beyond the constraints that others place as important and there is something in doing what is thought as impossible. In this blog I am going to talk about redemption and the reasons for it. What I experienced on the first trip and what I hope to gain from the 2nd attempt.
My journey started a long time ago much earlier then the actual trip itself. Hell this journey has been well life long. If you have read any of my blogs you know that my life has never been easy and as of late it has been stressed to say the least, more on that in a moment though. Over my life mistakes have happened it has been a difficult road. I wont bore you with the details heck just read over my past blogs to see the details.
Like the prelude said though there were several reasons for my trip and really one real reason. It was one of redemption. For those of you who do not know the meaning of the word here it is: the action of saving or being saved from sin, error, or evil. I often talked about walking into the wilderness to loose myself and find my soul. That was my way of saying it was to redeem myself not just in my eyes but in the eyes of others.
I have always been both good and bad, while I did bad things in my life I also did some very good things and I always looked at them as off setting. Kind of a way to keep balance in my soul. Well as age came so did the lack of the ability to do good things. Over time I carried the weight of others. I have never been one to put much stock in what others thought of me or at least so I thought. When in reality that was more important than I could of imagined to me.
I have worn my heart on my sleeve since I was a child, I would always try and do the right thing despite what people thought of me. To me it has always been more important to stand alone then to be accepted. But this time I wanted to be. I wanted to be a part of that world, I wanted to be accepted as the good man I am. However, it turned out that didn't matter. I was garbage in a persons eyes, not worthy of being a part of their world. I know its not true relax. But that is how I was made to feel. You see, some of my past, people hang onto they don't realize the importance of what it means to be accepted because well they are accepted, if even by the wrong people. But I bet if people knew some of their past because we all have one, they may just have an issue being accepted. So I get it, I do hush don't talk about that people may think badly of you mentality. I learned from my first trip, if your judged by your past people miss out on the good of the present
So I started this journey this cross country cycle trip to show them I was worth wild, that I was more then my past that I was more then the sum of my both physical but mental scars. That is why it was so important to prove to myself I could do this. That is why I never stopped pushing myself to heal and get past the cancer, the ptsd, the heart attack, my stroke, my death, my addiction, my time in jail and my abuse. I wanted to be accepted and I wanted to be redeemed for my mistakes. I wanted this person to say hey look Im proud of him and say it openly. That was the first real reason for my trip.....but it became more.
The closer it came to me leaving the more people gravitated to it. The more people came to look at it as an inspiration, the more lives I touched and in the back of my mind I thought that would help with the redemption and proving to these people I was good and I was capable of something amazing. So I started showing others what was possible. I wanted to show people that they to could do something amazing. You see there are more marginalized people in this world who for one reason or another, think they can never do something including me. But here I was, doing what was supposed to be impossible and giving hope to others in the process. This became the main reason for my trip and the redemption became secondary.
I started to carry a message of hope, because fo my my unique medical history a ton of people came to be inspired by it and I believed I could make a difference. When I started the journey on September 23rd people followed, I took on a task well that in its sheer scope was epic. I don't know if people realize just how mighty of a task it is to do alone, without traditional support and overcoming obstacles some can only imagine. There is a reason why this is not accomplished by just anyone and there is a reason why far less people with challenges take this on. Let alone someone who has died.
Eventually a level of redemption came over me. The further I went the more I redeemed myself. The road doesn't judge the road doesn't care of your past and neither do the people you meet along the way.
If only for a moment you are part of something larger then life. You become the stuff of legend, people flock to meet you and you heal. You find your soul and well that is a blessing of the road. Sadly though those people who never mind and one in particular didn't care. I thought more of her, hoped she was the person I thought she was. As it turns out, None of it mattered the appearances was all that mattered and well I feel sorry for her. I still think she is good woman but a sad woman who will think a car and appearances are all that matter. Out on the road I found what was important and I found that I did not need to be accepted by anyone but myself. I will never change their minds and in their eyes I will never meet their standards, I know that now but I also know I would never want to meet their standards. If your standards are to belittle someone, hurt someone, lie about someone and talk about someone behind their back you know what there is a reason why you need to be accepted into that group no one else will have you....your more broken then me...
As most of you know my trip was cut short I was injured, and there is a difference between being hurt and injured. an injury ended it. It ended before my journey of redeemption was done. I never got to fully accept all that was and I never fully got to accept myself. But I did do some really good things. Thousands now know they can do anything, thousands see hope in my return journey and are cheering me on. Sadly no one will be cheering those on that seek appearances, sadly no one will sit at their funneral and say wow look at how nice their couch was. As i said my journey though was far from over. I still had a long way to go to redeem myself and that was proved to me when I came home.
It turns out that I made a few people a little unhappy along the way. Small petty people who can't see past their lives and do nothing but judge.. I feel sorry for them. Because they miss the message. The message that evolved from one of trying to prove my worthiness, to one that carried a message of hope. I stated in my last blog about assumptions and well assumptions make an ass out of the person saying them but it also hurts the person who is being talked about. You're not human if it doesn't hurt you. But to realize they are the ones in true need of redeemption helps the healing.
What I did learn out there is that I matter I really do and everyone does. From the guy I met holding the sign in NOLA to the kids I saw living in poverty in Alabama. We are all far more important than the houses and fancy cars so many put emphasis on. Sadly, they wont see that. They will just continue to assume the worst of a person based on a perceived past with only half knowledge of events....If you are already perfect and accepted well good for you, rock on but it doesn't give you the right to look down on others....I will take the broken over the beaten anyday.....because they are not cowards. They rarely need the acceptance of belongings to show how good they are. Instead they show how good they are by fixing homes in Baton Rogue or by taking the weight off another because that person is to weak to carry it.....or they do things that others will never see. I would rather be accepted by them then the people who see only status.
So that was the reason for my trip at first and through the beauty of the ride, the joy of the freedom I realized what actually matters and while it hurts to be seen as nothing more then my past by some I know that many more see me as a beacon of hope. One that shows them, they to can do something amazing they to can overcome their disease their past their what ever and help others.
I am more then they will ever be and yes I did my wrongs. But I will find my soul out there, the road will make sure of it. There is a peace that comes from being one with the world, I have a friend that showed a picture of him riding his bike and said this is my church and well I have to agree. When only the important things matter, one finds more in themselves. I can not talk enough about the joys of trying something that is beyond you, and to everyone out there its ok to be broken just not beaten. Beaten people hate on the ones who are broken and trying....
The road does redeem you, it does change you. Taking the time to find out who you are and what is truly important is the peace that we all search for. In March of 2017 I will be hitting the road again this time with just one purpose, one sole mission and that is to finish. To let go of my past, even if others can't, and to show others just how amazing it is to find your soul....there are those that search,there are those that try, there are those that do and then there are those well others.
Personally I would rather get past my past live my life and not judge others based on their lives.....I forgive them because well the road forgave me and did not judge me......the journey is not as long as you may think (but the miles are) and hope is always stronger then hatred....be strong be a stand alone person and do what is right....peace out till next time....try and see what the road may hold for you. For me it holds the redemption I seek of myself it holds my soul.
