I have not always been the best of fathers. But my daughter has always been my greatest joy. From the moment I saw her being cleaned up I knew what true love was. She is the best part of me and also of her mother. My daughter is one of the reasons for this journey well because I want her to be proud of her father and well I want to accomplish and show her something as well.
From the moment she was born she has always been my greatest achievement. From the sweetest of children to the intelligent self reliant strong young lady she has become, I have always been impressed with her. From the time she threw me under the bus in line at Walmart to the impromptu speech she gave to the Baltimore County Council about saving a local park she never ceases to amaze me.
She has a level head on her shoulders and is wise beyond her years. She knows what is important and well I take no credit for any of it at all. Her mother has done an amazing job with her and I have just been the dad.
Not many people can acknowledge their shortfalls as a parent as a matter of fact many seem to think they are perfect parents. I'm not. Short of the first year of her life Lindsay only lived with me for a short time all the rest was with her mother. Her mother and I divorced for various reasons, mentioned in an earlier blog, when my daughter was only 1. It was a tough time for me again all self created. I was battling many demons at that time and well I had a ton of hoops to jump through and well the demons were winning at that time.
I went through the Maryland Legal Aide program for my divorce and with the gracious assistance of a young woman I was able to see my daughter. My attorney and I are now friends and i will always appreciate the help she gave a down and out father. Janine fought for me when I could not fight for myself and well gratitude speaks because I would do anything for her for finding a way for me to see my daughter. I think that she actually helped me because I told her at our first interview that I wanted nothing absolutely nothing from my marriage my ex can have it all as long as I get to see my daughter. I will forever be in her debt and she will always have my eternal gratitude.
For the first time in almost a year I got to see my daughter. These visits were held at the courthouse for a few hours every Sunday. You know what I didn't mind traveling for 2 hours 3 buses and walking a mile to get there because well I got to see my daughter. You know what I never missed a Sunday....I even showed with pneumonia one time and they sent me home and called my ex to let her know not to bring my daughter.
No matter where I was after getting my life back together I would make it a point to get to see my daughter as much as possible. There were times when I was VP of marketing for a chain of computer schools that I would fly home on Sundays just to spend the day with her just to fly back out that night.....I know it sounds like I tried to be around but really I could of done more. I should of done more.
There were moments when I cared more for myself then my daughter and I learned a valuable lesson there that I will touch on more here shortly. Being a outspoken self righteous ass at times has well embarrassed my daughter. Especially when she has had to see or be a part of my PTSD episodes and witness her father being a jerk....thank god these are mostly gone now. But she has still been pretty embarrassed by me on more then one occasion and for that I am truly sorry. That is all I have to say about that right now.
When I started the staffing company that later led to my death....I put everything into it and it took all my time because I thought it was more important to have things then to be someone that my daughter could relate and look up to. I thought fancy cars and stuff would bring me respect....nope it was who I was inside that mattered and well i was confused about that point and still get confused on that at times. Like many I know who put to much emphasis on things and besides no matter what I have belonging wise I will never be good enough....lol. Actually i am starting to learn I am pretty damn good when i don't try and change who I am to suit others. Especially those who are ashamed of me for being me.
Well as the business grew I saw my daughter less and less. I stopped seeing her as much because I was working all the time. I even opened a new office 5 min from her house so I could see her more not realizing with a new office I took on more responsibility. I saw her even less....to a point where it was so rare that I swear she may forget who I am. Eventually all that chasing and impressing took its toll on me and I had the BIG ONE.
As I laid on that first MacDonalds floor and secondly on that operating table only one person came to mind.....my daughter. The only person I thought of was her and well that is when some things became a little clearer. So after me giving up the business and me having to heal up I had one person on my mind and that was my awesome daughter who I love beyond measure.
My daughter struggled with coming and seeing me in the hospital. And I don't blame her. But what she has done is been my rock to keep me going. You see my daughter is a very compassionate person. She would take care of her grand mother who was stuck in a non functioning body because of her ms....well now she had to deal with a dad with a half working body and well she did great. She motivated me to keep walking she motivated me to keep trying and well I wanted to show her that her dad was strong for her.
She would make me walk the mall with her. At the time I hated it but I have come to cherish that time with her because well i got to know my teenage daughter. A rare gift for any dad. I found out she is trustworthy and she has integrity and well an amazing sense of humor (she got that from me). Those mall walks are unforgettable.
When I was diagnosed with cancer the original diagnosis for the brain tumor was terminal and I only told one person. I could not bring myself to accept it. So it was not till there was hope that I shared it with everyone including my daughter. But what I did not know was how bad the after effects would be and again with my daughter getting older and me getting angrier that a wedge would develop. Somewhere along the line she wanted normal and not her crazy father. She may even be pissed about this blog. I don't know.
You see at this moment I can not see her. Partially because some people decided to contact her mother about a personal situation which was based on gossip and not the circumstances.....Yes people who I have little interaction with from my home town decided it was time for them to gossip about me again. And with out knowing what was going on decided to tell a version they heard from 4th or 5th party....again people don't talk about others its nasty childish behaviors....if their life is worth talking about get over it and get a life of your own....gossip and blowing things out of proportions is childish and well mean.
But there is more to things then just others assuming things there is a reality and that reality is I struggle. I have talked about the PTSD and other struggles in past blogs. So as of right now and in agreement with her mother my daughter and I are taking a breather so she can well focus on her own goals.....it doesn't diminish the fact that we love each other it just means while I do me right now for the betterment of my future time as dad we take a break. Yes am I pissed about the person who made up a story about things to protect themselves at my expense yes I am....but I am not pissed at them....let me clear about that.
You see through everything I have only wanted one thing for my daughter to be proud of me. Part of my trip is to get better not only for me but for her so she can have her father because she is so damn wonderful she deserves that. The other reason is I want to show her that I can do anything and I want her to be proud to be my daughter.....and lastly I want to be the man deserved of such a wonderful young lady.....I love you kiddo more then my own life. And Iam sorry for ever falling short....I will make you proud....Because I may be Broken But I am not Beaten
You see through everything I have only wanted one thing for my daughter to be proud of me. Part of my trip is to get better not only for me but for her so she can have her father because she is so damn wonderful she deserves that. The other reason is I want to show her that I can do anything and I want her to be proud to be my daughter.....and lastly I want to be the man deserved of such a wonderful young lady.....I love you kiddo more then my own life. And Iam sorry for ever falling short....I will make you proud....Because I may be Broken But I am not Beaten
