With 2017 starting off with a big night in the Big Apple. I have to say I still at times feel like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. The world is different for me now. Life is much different. Last night I had a limo pick me up take me to New York for a very formal event where I was asked to spend some time talking about myself my trip and well the changes that have come about. What I found myself talking about more was the impact of the people on my life and vice versa. Because really that is all that truly matters. My impact has at times been very good and at times it hasn't but that is one of my resolutions.....I'm often reminded of a song by Garth Brooks when I get in one of these moods. The River "Trying to learn from whats behind you and never know whats in store"....."Choose to chance the rapids and dare to dance the tide".... "Too many times we stand aside And let the waters slip away 'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow Has now become today" are some of my favorite lines from this song and rather fitting for what is to come in 2017.
With all that being said, this past year has been amazing and while it has had a positive impact on my life and from what I hear has had a positive impact on many. It seems as if there are many things left for me to do. In the spring of 2017 I am heading back out to restart what I begun and failed at last year. And yes despite what people say I feel like I failed at it. I did not reach my destination and well I still have a ton of work left to do on myself.
2016 was a very selfish year. I made a few mistakes mostly with relationships, with my PTSD and illnesses I didn't always put others first. I didn't listen when I should have and well I paid a price. I lost some friends that were and are important to me. I found myself putting myself first in many of the things I did. Even though I carried a message of hope and I showed people that no matter what anyone can accomplish something amazing. I still lost direction of some of the basics others take for granted. There were times I should of been a better listener, times when I should of been a better friend and heck even times when I should of been a better father.
It is said we are own worst critics and I know many will not always agree with me on this....but much of what I did while the results were for others there were results for me. I got something out of it as well and that I think is why I still feel like a square peg in a round hole. Notoriety, exposure and well an entrance into a world I never thought possible has come about. These were all side effects of being public with my journey. Sharing the hardest parts of being me, stripping away the layers that make me who I am and leaving myself very vulnerable at times. More on this in a moment......
Yes some of this has been used to hurt me but that is really not my point. My point is more about how, some of what I did had selfish motives. I wasn't happy by any means, I was not happy with what life had thrown my way and I wanted to change it. 2016 gave me the opportunity to live like I was dying because I was. What I figured out is we all are each and every day. So with that being said, I am not rock star I am no one special, I am about as average as average gets hell even below average at times. Like I said life had thrown me some major curve balls I did not know how to handle. So when I decided to take this trip I was doing it just for me. I was going out there to face my demons and find my soul, but as many of you know it ended early.
A level of life changing came with all this and yes I found some of my missing pieces and yes I found a good part of the life I want....but I did not find it all. Many think my decision to restart is stupid, Im used to that. If by this time you have not learned I am not a very smart man then shame on you. As my friend Wes said to me recently one of my greatest strengths is "wearing my emotions on my sleeve and it is also one of your weaknesses"....."but you are in inspiration whether you know it or not".
I don't understand what it means to be an inspiration. Iam a simple guy who just wanted to change his life after a lifetime of disappointment and well even the trip to me was a disappointment because I did not finish. I know this sounds like a level of self loathing and maybe it is. However if you have not learned by now that I beat myself up pretty good well again follow me a little closer. I hear your an inspiration because you keep trying you keep showing others both your good and your bad....and maybe I am ok with it because I understand both are inside of us all. With my return to the road I hope to identify that line even better.
One thing I do like is showing others there is more to life then what they think. My story is not for everyone but only those that can relate in some small way. Last night a gentleman told me my story is appealing to so many because I am open about my mistakes, my shortcomings, my desire to overcome them and my tenacity to do just that no matter what. There is no excuse in my eyes for me to not try and be better. But again my story is not for everyone, it is not for the person who does not feel there is anything to accomplish, it is not for the person who just accepts things as how they are and it certainly isn't for those that look down on people with challenges. Yes there are people who look down on people with challenges, many actually. I don't want anyones pity, I don't want anyone to say aww look at him at least he tried, I want people say damn look what he did what the hell is my excuse then.
That is where the power of the message comes from. That is where the difference comes into play. The other day I spoke to a group of challenged people. They had this glazed over look on their face the moment I was introduced. It is funny I get this a lot when I talk in public now. These folks looked at me with a level of indignation till I explain from where I came, I explained my death, my life, my challenges and then I showed my scar....a long gash down the middle of my torso. As my friend Luis Silva calls it the "the Greatest Medal Of All". It was only then that these people who have challenges see the power in what I say and write. I explain that their challenges are their scars, if its being confined to a wheelchair it is only a challenge if they let it be. I also continue to explain that scars only form on the living and that if you want to live getting scared is part of life.
If scars didn't happen if we didn't fail we wouldn't have any need for inspiration. There is more to life than being safe there is more to life than what we accept. And yes I have been vocal about this and yes I have been selfish with my motives at times. I am human, I like the attention but I also know that there are things bigger than me. Things much bigger than me, things that if I show by example others can see they can do amazing things. I will always have detractors, even myself keeping me in check but I also know that if I don't try then well I will never reach my destination.....like the song says.
I appreciate all the doors that have been opened because of my journey and I am glad people find hope in my tale.....I may always fall short and I may always fail but I will not stop trying and I think that is where the power comes from. Life is a journey meant to be lived, it has its good and it has its bad...we can beat ourselves up or let others do it to us....but it is how you react and move forward that is important and well that is a lesson I still need to learn. Till next time be amazing because you are.
