This is why I went out on the road to begin with a quote from fight club and one I agree with
While I did accomplish much on the journey I didn't learn all that I should. In many ways I still as everyone does have much work to do on myself. Sadly we can never be perfect but really who would want to be. I have reaped many rewards from the journey and had so many life changing events and experiences but yet there are still lingering behaviors and actions still around. With my perception of the world I have come to be able to see myself a little more clearly and well where I am at with things. This blog is dedicated to the those things I still constantly screw up and what changes are in store from here in the real world. But I know there is an eventual return to the road in my future.
Sitting here in my favorite writing spot at my local Starbucks I think about my so major of flaws and how I still am plagued by them. Im thinking about my book Im thinking about what is next and what I miss. Im thinking about the physical changes the emotional changes and well the simplicity that I miss.
I left on this journey to not only show people and myself that just because I felt broken I in no way was beaten. That I was more than a scar, to put the past in its proper place and to find a way to become better through and through by finding myself again. With age and time we all fall short of what our capabilities are I think we all sell ourselves short of the possibilities of what life truly holds for each of us. I myself accepted this world for what it had become. And Well I find myself falling partially back into the trap of the "normalcy". I am done with it though and I think really there are so many more lessons sight and adventures out there for me It is time to keep pushing the possibilities. Many opportunities are starting to open up and well i may just talk about them as well.
My leg is damaged but what is a little more damaged is my ego. Something I thought I left out there on the road.....but no I didn't. I will always have one I just learned for a bit on how to keep it in check but really I needed it to be stroked once in awhile. I want to confess to my own downfall and screw up in regards to a relationship that was formed prior to my trip and developed over the trip. It will only be talking about my part and discussing my shortfall and well this is part of where the title of this blog has come from.
Some lessons take longer to learn and some can not be remedied in just 2 months. Yes I found little bits of the missing me and yes I put the past where it belonged. Yes I don't care about the people who spew negativity anymore they just don't matter in my life. I also don't have a need to be accepted anymore by people who well I just don't care about that. Hell Im good enough for me. But there is this lingering bit of self doubt that creeps in from time to time and its not about being accepted so do not get it twisted. It is a need to be loved, to be held, to be considered important and to be a partner. This is very possibly the hardest thing i have yet to learn. That I can not force these things I have to stop looking for immediate results and just let them happen.
While I am extremely happy with the overall results of my journey and a new found love for myself I still feel compelled to need the love of another. Let me just say this I have always wanted love as most do and well I may be a fool but I believe it is out there.
I try to mold situations to my desires. I try to force things to my will. I am very good at it because it has been a survival mechanism for me all my life. The problem comes in when I don't know when not to do this. I don't have a clue how to not to it and just let things be the way they should be. I don't know how to allow someone their space I don't know how to allow them to want to include me. I just keep trying to mold life circumstances and well it comes from the damaged ego and psyche of a man who has even though i have said I loved who feels as if he has never been loved.....this is my biggest fear and my greatest issue I feel and well it is probably the most important aspect of the rest of my journey......to find love without forcing it. I need to just let it happen and be ok with that journey as well.
From the time of the loss of my mother to the most recent relationship I found it as something that well has been missing a part of me that is lost. I am proud of me and yes even a part of me loves myself for what I have done.....but I do still find a need to want to be loved. 45 years can not be reversed overnight or even in 2 months but I do know that people are worth it and that I am worth it....just it will be in time and over many moons but I am sure the answer is out there.
To that special woman that helped me over this journey if you are reading this. Iam sorry I should of just accepted things and not tried to make things about me or felt the need to have you stroke my ego. And well that is all I have to say about that at this time....
My leg is healing and well it is just taking time slow time but it is healing. My ribs and wrist are doing well and my ankle well its there. Physical therapy is really not that big of a deal I find that by just swimming and biking along with core exercise I am doing just fine. In time the leg will be great and well i will be more then ready to go and run/bike with it. My world is doing good.....I have been asked to write a blog for Schwinn. I am about to take this site into my own domain setup so that I can sell ad space on it. And well I have a literary agent working on selling my book. I am also looking at becoming a personal trainer.....and I figure with all these things hell maybe its time to become an adventurer after all.....Indiana Jones eat your heart out the cyclist is coming lol....just playing but like the fight club quote reads.....we have been raised to think we should all be millionaires and famous along with being loved.....nope no one owes us squat it takes action to do and be who you want to be....
So my next step is the planning of the return to the road in the spring better stronger and more prepared for the coming journey....hell I may not return from this one.....I may just make this a way of life......traveling meeting doing crazy things and well living a life beyond my wildest dreams...this way I don't get my heart broken and I dont break anyone elses.
So this past week I met with my cardiologist and his team and let me just say my heart has kicked major butt. With belonging to Ironheart Im one of the few who was not an athlete prior to joining this has only happened over the past year. For many on there they had healthy hearts prior to their cardiac event and even though the heart has been damaged for many cardiologists it is hard for them to see real change. So let me start with this. After my death my heart was very damaged and it still is a substantial part of my total heart tissue is dead...so my initial ejection fraction was around 20% at best, my resting pulse rate was 110, my ekg had substantial downward blips indicating a massive heart attack and I could not even attempt a stress test. Physically I was a size 44 waist and around 275 to 280.
Now after pumping out 1426 miles of daily activity competing in triathlons and well eating right. Here is what the cardiologist now see. My Ejection Fraction is 65% equivalent to that of a professional athlete and well above the average of 50%. My EKG shows only a slight downward blip....indicating I might of had a heart attack but certainly no sign of a life ending event. My resting heart rate is around 70 now and rarely does my heart rate ever go above 150 even under extreme stress. And well I crushed the the first stress test I have ever been able to finish. So with results like that there is no heart patient in the world that should not be exercising in my opinion. Endurance training and drive is everything.
Even with the damage to my leg i am still working out just doing things to maintain the results from the road and well here are the results of the road. From a size 44 3 years ago to a size 34 and well that is still dropping. My weight went down to 180 on the road but muscle tissue came back big time and my weight climbed to around 210 despite the reduction in pant size. Give you and Idea the average for a professional running back in the nfl is 5'9" 215 with a 32 waist and 50 inch chest......my size is 5'7" 210 with a 34 waist and a 48 inch chest.....bam i will take it.
